


Shards

by inspiritchingu



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-05-04 00:16:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5312480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inspiritchingu/pseuds/inspiritchingu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Woohyun is mad at Sunggyu, and Sunggyu does not understand why. They go around in circles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sunggyu

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blondemyungsoo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blondemyungsoo/gifts).



> I hope this will be angst enough for you.
> 
> The timeline may confuse you at one point or another, but please take note that each Woohyun chapter happens before the previous Sunggyu chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning. Not anything major (I hope no one gets triggered) but there are non-consensual stuff and explicit language near the end.

* * *

Sunggyu is too clumsy with words. That much he can admit to himself, and that is also precisely why he lets the other members do the introductions and why he lets them answer the backstage interviews. He also does not want to seem like a hogger, but truthfully, he just does not want to mess it up.

Some people think his snide comments and dark humor are funny, but those some people are not a lot of people. He does not know really; he is just feeling his way through everything—trying not to be too much of everything but trying to be everything to whoever is willing to have him so it can even out somehow.

He can buy a lot of things now, but he cannot stop or slow down and reveal himself yet—how he is so exhausted. It is a tremendous burden that somehow lessens when he is with the other members, especially with one Nam Woohyun.

Sunggyu has lived in Seoul for some time now, but he still misses people. Everyone needs validation from time to time; Sunggyu is no exception. However, it is hard to find validation—real and sincere validation that what Sunggyu is doing is right and that he shall be fine. Everyone is busy; they are too busy just to be by Sunggyu’s side and comfort him. Be though as it may, he has Woohyun and Woohyun is more than enough. Woohyun may be busy at times, but at least most of the time, they are together. Whenever Sunggyu starts feeling down, Woohyun can see through the dark and pulls Sunggyu out of it. Sunggyu is so thankful for Woohyun, and Sunggyu loves Woohyun very much.

Every time Sunggyu tries to write a song for Woohyun, he never even finishes a verse. Woohyun is too complicated. Woohyun is a sad song, an angry song, a bittersweet song disguising as a bright song all at once and strangely; it is a familiar song that can warm your heart if Woohyun can even be a song. So, he wants to write a song not about Woohyun but for Woohyun. The thing is that if writing about Woohyun is impossible, a song for Woohyun is even more so.

His supposed birthday gift for Woohyun neatly written after eleven attempts gets burned one day. It is Sunggyu himself who burns it because he hates seeing it; too much emotion can take over any person’s better judgment.

Sunggyu lets his pride eat him one day. The fire it sparks catches everything he holds dearly. He cannot remember how the argument started, but he remembers very well how it ended. He remembers how Woohyun was clearly angry and very upset.

“No, hyung. You end this. Whatever this relationship is. Why would I even dare? I’m not reasonable enough. I never think clearly.”

“Come on, Woohyun. I said sorry. What do you want from me?”

“Yeah, hyung. Why am I so demanding, huh? I should just accept what you can spare me. After all, I’m just a lost puppy without you.”

Sunggyu regrets the selfish things that he said. He cannot even bring himself to face the memory of it. Sunggyu also regrets how he just walked away then. He should have… Then, he stops himself because how can he let himself cry over his own mistakes? He is at fault so it is only right for him to feel guilty and face some punishment to atone for what he did.

For weeks and weeks, he has hoped everything would just ease back to the way they were as he tries to make it up to Woohyun somehow, but the weeks only worsen their relationship.

“Let’s eat,” Sunggyu utters. The words come out soft and whispery like he does not mean them but he does. He sincerely does. He hopes his words would convey his apologies. It has been too long since they have talked to each other and too long since they have actually talked like real people with their own words at all. It is easier to say things written down, easier to take directions to act and speak excitedly. When it comes to talking to Woohyun now, everything is floating on thin ice; the whole world will shatter with just a breath. Sunggyu hopes against hope Woohyun— _his_ Woohyun, not INFINITE’s main vocal—will finally talk to him so Sunggyu will finally know he is forgiven.

Woohyun only glances up. Then, he stands up to leave, and with the door slamming, the world does shatter into a billion shards that all pierce Sunggyu’s heart.

The night air is cold on Sunggyu’s face. He is with Sungyeol; they are both getting coffee.

“Double shot latte and caramel frappe,” he orders.

Sungyeol has already ordered so he eyes Sunggyu as they find a seat and wait for their orders. The leader does not bother explaining; he never does. Sungyeol breaks the silence. He asks, “For Woohyun hyung?”

Sunggyu looks at him with narrow eyes, trying to say, “Drop it.”

Sungyeol does not get it; or if he does, he does not back away. “What? You’re not fooling anyone. Or are you going to drink both hot and cold drinks?” He presses on.

Their names are called so they stand up to retrieve their orders and still, Sunggyu does not say a word.

As they leave the coffee shop, Sungyeol whistles. Sunggyu turns to look at him with a thoughtful gaze. Sungyeol knows something, but at the same time, he does not know a thing. Sungyeol is very perceptive, but he does not know the details—that Sunggyu is sure of.

They enter their building and take the elevator.

Sungyeol comments, “I wish you didn’t keep too many secrets that can eat you up.”

“Ignorance is bliss,” Sunggyu answers as he steps out.

Sungyeol watches Sunggyu approach Woohyun, who is sitting on the couch outside the practice room.

“Ah, hyung,” Sungyeol hears Woohyun say. “I didn’t ask for this but thanks!” Quite cheerfully, Woohyun adds, “I really like this. And there’s even extra caramel! It’s very thoughtful of you, hyung!”

Sungyeol can only sigh and head straight to the door, only stopping to clear his throat quite near Woohyun. He intentionally gives Woohyun a pointed look that the older one may or may not have noticed. Either way, he figures that he cannot force his hyungs to fix what situation they are in however of an eyesore it is to see them act like this.

As soon as Sungyeol leaves, Woohyun dumps the frappe into the trash can, and Sunggyu knows he has no right to feel indignant. He reproaches himself in his head. He has no right. Woohyun has not forgiven him yet.

Sunggyu learns love is not a noun; it is a verb. Love is a lie if it is not a habitual action, and it takes immense effort to continue loving. He decides that meeting someone to love is by chance, but continuing to be in love is a choice you decide every single day, every single second. He is tired. He just wants to stop, but he knows he can never know have any comparable happiness when he does not have Woohyun. Maybe, he loves Woohyun because he makes him happy, and he still loves Woohyun even when he does not make him happy. Otherwise, how can it hurt this much?

“Dongwoo, just tell me what to say,” Sunggyu pleads. The younger member sighs in defeat. “Hyung, how many times should I tell you I’m not some wise man? I don’t know what you need to tell him to magically get you back together. Besides, it doesn't seem to be _just_ your fault. You’re not always the one who has to fix _everything_. Maybe he needs to fix himself. You aren’t incomplete pieces that need each other to be complete. You need to be whole before you can be happy with each other.”

Sunggyu runs his hands through his hair and breathes in deeply. “I don’t understand. So what should I do? I can't do nothing!”

It takes Dongwoo his whole being to prevent himself from shouting because he cannot do this. He shakes his head instead and walks to the fridge to get beer.

After taking a swig of the beer, Dongwoo sits opposite of Sunggyu and answers, “If you cannot be patient enough, hyung then, I don’t know. Maybe there is no happy ending; we just make do to be happy once in awhile when we can.”

“Patience, schmatience. Bullshit,” Sunggyu mutters and grabs the bottle from Dongwoo. He drinks everything. The bitter taste dulls his mind a little so he decides to drink more despite knowing the schedule for tomorrow.

“Say, Dongwoo. Aren’t relationships supposed to make us understand each other better so we can grow as better people? But if we aren’t together, how do we even begin to understand each other? He said that he wasn’t happy with me anymore. I want to make him happy though. Why isn’t he letting me? He is avoiding me, even treating me like I’m… We’ve really broken up, haven’t we?”

“I don’t know.”

It is 3 A.M. and Sunggyu is all alone when he wakes up. He sees too many bottles on the table and a few more near his feet. His head is heavy, but he only feels immense sadness. There is an unopened bottle in front of him. He opens it excitedly—only to feel more miserable and sad when the lukewarm bitter alcohol goes down his throat.

It is 4:10 when he bangs on the door downstairs. The door opens, and a woman materializes with a scowl on her face.

“I’m sorry~” Sunggyu slurs. He bows deeply because he does not like the way he hears himself.

He feels someone dragging him away from the woman, and he can only yell “I’m sorry” so many times before loud cursing coming from all around is heard.

“Hyung! What the fuck do you think you were doing there?”

“Woohyunnie?”

He hears a harsher whisper from a different direction that says, “Myungsoo! What on earth was all that noise? Was that Sunggyu hyung? What happened?”

“I don’t know. He was yelling at the neighbor.”

“Let him sleep on the couch.”

“Woohyunnie… Woohyunnie…” he cries but no one seems to hear. “Nam Woohyun!”

“Shut up!”

“Just wake up Woohyun hyung!”

“You wake up Woohyun hyung!”

“What are you all doing at this time?”

“Sunggyu hyung is drunk.”

“I can see that!”

“Don't talk to us like that! Wake up Woohyun hyung!”

“I don’t want to! You wake him up!”

Sunggyu’s head is throbbing from all the harsh whispering he hears and none of them even sound like his Woohyun. He desperately tries to call out again, “Nam Woohyun!”

“He’s so loud. Shut him up or we won’t need to wake up the other dragon."

The lights suddenly turn on, and Sunggyu feels like his eyes are burning.

“What the fuck is going on here?”

“Woohyunnie,” Sunggyu cries.

“Is that Sunggyu hyung?”

Myungsoo—Sunggyu thinks it _is_ Myungsoo based on the conversation—drops him on the couch and scurries with the others while whispering, “Let’s go. Let’s let them talk.”

“Woohyunnie…”

“Shut up,” Woohyun says harshly. “At this rate, you’re going to wake up everyone, even people in North Korea.” His voice sounds like he is getting near though and Sunggyu opens his arms wide to hug him.

“I miss you so much, Woohyun. Please forgive me! Whatever I did, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Sunggyu’s face is loose and he feels acid running down his cheeks. He shouts. He knows he is shouting and he has half a mind to stop because he knows he is being scandalous but it feels like a matter of life and death. Woohyun needs to know how sorry he is.

“Just shut up, hyung. Calm down. We have a schedule tomorrow. You need to sleep.”

“Fuck that!” Sunggyu mutters in annoyance. He hears something break—glass most probably. Whatever he broke, he does not care. He grabs for Woohyun, but he cannot seem to see straight. Woohyun is trying to calm him down. It is ridiculous, Sunggyu thinks, because he just wants to talk.

“Woohyun! Talk to me! Please forgive me!” he begs. His eyes are wide because Woohyun just needs to hear him out and then, he will see. Woohyun will see that Sunggyu loves him so much. “Listen, Woohyun! I’m sorry! It was all my fault! I admit it! I did you wrong! I’ll make you happy from now on, okay? Forgive me.”

He does not understand why Woohyun looks so panicked and in tears. He grips Woohyun’s shirt tighter and wipes Woohyun’s tears away as best as he can, but soon, there are arms on him, pulling him away from Woohyun.

“No, no! I just want to talk! Woohyun please! Woohyun!” he begs and cries. He is so sad, so incredibly sad. Sunggyu thinks he has never experienced anything more painful.

The sun is up and brightly shining mockingly through the window. Sunggyu wakes up on his bed confused with a constant beating in his head. It is 9:12, and there are several unread messages on his phone. They are mostly from their manager telling him to get to the location when he wakes up.

He feels as though he is carrying a heavy cross. No one cares about him, even spitting on him as he makes his way dragging his cross of misery and sadness. He does not even understand why he is carrying it, but he needs to get up and wash up.

He arrives just in time. Woohyun avoids him, even more obviously than before. He expects just as much because he remembers everything. He wishes he did not because he does not know how to face Woohyun either. He is sure he made a fool of himself. No one has seen him like that because he has never allowed anyone to see him like that. That is mostly because he has never allowed himself to look like that—so desperate.

Days pass. His solo promotions are ending. Soon, INFINITE is going to start promoting their new album. They also have to start preparing for the second world tour while Sunggyu and Dongwoo rehearse for their musical. Sunggyu has no time to blink or breathe for himself, but for one whole week in the middle of it all, Sunggyu finally gets some time off.

The first thing he does is meet some rookie idol that Heechul set him up with. The young girl is eager to learn and listens intently to everything Sunggyu says. Even when Sunggyu jokes, she thinks it is something to remember by heart.

“What are you doing?” Sunggyu asks when she suddenly straddles him.

She smiles and replies sweetly, “So sunbae can favor me.”

“You don’t—”

His protest is cut short when she captures his lips for a kiss as she eagerly grinds her body on him so Sunggyu can feel her big bosom. She grinds her lower half on Sunggyu’s crotch as well.

“No, ah,” Sunggyu struggles to contain his pleasure from the stimulation. “Get off me.”

“Doesn’t sunbae want this? Tell me what you want.”

“I don't want anything. Get off of me.”

“I can’t do that,” she says trying to sound helpless as she grips Sunggyu’s arms and continuing to grind down on him.

She whispers softly into his ear, “I’m so wet for you, sunbae.”

Her fingers lightly scratch his arms and with all her might she lifts up his hands to cup her breasts.

“No! I can’t!”

The girl pouts. “I’m on the pill. Don’t worry.”

Sunggyu sighs as he carefully untangles himself.

“I want this. I really like you. Please let me just help you.”

“Help me?”

“Heechul sunbae told me you were sad and need to get over someone. The best way I know to get over someone is to get under someone else,” she says smirking.

Hesitantly, Sunggyu starts to touch her and makes her lean toward him more. He kisses her fiercely and hungrily imagining as if she were Woohyun. He tries very hard to imagine but the girl is soft where Woohyun is hard and taut. He proceeds to undress her. As he fondles her breasts, he hears _her_ soft moans. He just cannot continue.

He pushes her slightly and says raggedly, “Just blow me.”

She stares at him uncomprehendingly.

“I told you to blow me.”

Her look remains blank as if he said some strange language.

“Suck my dick.”

His impatience grows and he just unzips his pants and frees his dick. She looks at it and gasps.

“Suck it,” he commands. Then, he adds. “And swallow.”

She stutters but gently touches his dick. “I-I’m... I don’t swallow…”

“Suck. It. And. Swallow.”

The girl stands up and collects her clothes.

“Where are you going?”

“I'm not a prostitute!”

Sunggyu is mad now. He is mad at Woohyun, mad at Heechul, and mad at this hypocrite girl.

“You were offering yourself to me! Now, you’re telling me you’re not a prostitute? How much do you need just to swallow my cum?!”

Tears pool from her eyes as she covers herself up. “I didn’t… I thought…”

Sunggyu’s anger evaporates, and it reduces to loathing—self loathing. “I’m sorry,” he says as he collects himself. “Get dressed and I’ll bring you back to your dorm. Just forget what I said and don’t do this again.”

The girl simply nods as she shakily moves away to dress herself.

When he gets home, he thinks he sees Woohyun running down the hallway, but the man is too fast that he cannot be sure. He asks himself, what would Woohyun want up here anyway?

The man did not seem to have any camera or bag with him as Sunggyu recalls what he just saw so he mentally comforts himself.


	2. Woohyun

* * *

The whole business of being an idol is corrupt. The whole business of being Nam Woohyun is tiresome and describing it as difficult is an understatement. Unlike his physical appearance, Woohyun is actually weak. This is why Woohyun makes up for everything he feels he is lacking by practicing more than everyone else and by giving over the top fanservice. More fans means more demand for him. Rest is for the weak and the weak get no work. Work is, after all, what Woohyun wants; it is what he has dreamed of growing up.

“So,” Woohyun begins telling Sunggyu something he has been pondering for awhile now. He wants to ask his boss as well but it is only right to ask Sunggyu first. “Dongwoon has been telling me that I should go on that show he’s on. He can suggest me to the producers so they can formally ask the boss. I’m sure you know that one. It’s called Masked Singer. It’s the one where they—”

Sunggyu does not even look at him. Sunggyu is on his phone, probably checking on their schedules and rankings, or stuff. However, Sunggyu does not miss a beat and he answers before Woohyun can even finish, “No. You can’t.”

“—sing… What? Wait… Hyung, I—”

Sunggyu sighs and sits up to face Woohyun. “My answer is ‘no.’ You can’t seriously think you should be on this show.”

“But, hyung, I want to. This could be a chance for me. This could also be a chance for us, for INFINITE.”

“The boss wouldn’t approve of it so I’m already telling you to stop thinking about it.”

“Why not?”

“Woohyun,” Sunggyu exasperatedly says. “I can give you a number of reasons why not but mainly, we're already busy.”

Woohyun huffs and angrily shoves Sunggyu off his seat. “Do you mean you’re busy? I barely have anything to do. I’m rotting away. Even my fans say so; they already notice. Isn’t that what you never want to happen? When fans notice, you said that is the end.”

“What? Woohyun, are you trying to make me the bad person here?”

Woohyun’s eyes widen in shock because of all the people he thought would be supportive of him, he would not think Sunggyu would react like this—like a villain—let alone have a fight with him about it and make it about him. “It’s always about you anyway, isn’t it, hyung? Do you think I’m going to embarrass us again and you’d have to pick up the pieces I’ve broken again?”

“I don’t have any control in your life. You can do whatever you think is right for you. But don’t expect me to be there and say I told you so when the boss doesn’t agree to this. He already gave in to your whims once but I wonder if he will again.”

“How dare you?!” Woohyun screeches. “Why are you being such an asshole?”

“I’m just telling you the truth. This show isn’t the right thing for you. It’s for people who need to prove their abilities. Everyone already knows you can sing, Woohyun. You’re the main vocalist, for God’s sake.”

“Yeah? Well, it doesn’t feel like it, does it?”

Woohyun left and Sunggyu thought Woohyun would come around and see how he is right. Sunggyu is, after all, always right.

INFINITE is at their photoshoot for an endorsement. Everyone is in a good mood and taking photos to upload on their social media accounts. Dongwoo nonchalantly reads fans’ reactions aloud.

“Haha! L oppa why can’t you smile more and show us Myungsoo oppa?” Sungyeol laughs hard at that.

“Sunggyu oppa why aren’t you sitting beside Woohyun oppa? Are you fighting? Please become closer, you two!”

“Woohyun oppa, are you recovering well? Sunggyu oppa should take better care of you as the leader.”

“Sungyeol oppa, I love you! Greetings from Thailand.”

“Woohyun oppa, when are you releasing a solo album? Sunggyu oppa already has two! Hurry up!”

Sunggyu clears his throat. “Ah, Dongwoo, that’s enough. How about we all eat now?”

It is a very sensitive topic and a big elephant in the room, not to mention in Sunggyu and Woohyun’s relationship but no one seems to get it. How could they when they are not the ones being pitted against each other by their own fans?

Proving the other members’ obliviousness, however, as they start eating together in a table, Sungyeol asks Dongwoo, “Dongwoo hyung, did the boss really ask you if you wanted to go on Masked Singer?”

Dongwoo blushes a furious red and stutters to answer, “Yes but I didn’t want to. I’m not the main vocalist anyway. I might mess up so—”

Sungyeol is shocked and starts pointing his fork at Dongwoo. “Hyung! Every single idol who sang on that show has done great for their group! They validated their abilities so the public respects those groups now! They’re not saying ’Ah, these dancing monkeys with pretty faces who can’t sing’ anymore! Actors and idol group members go on there and suddenly, they become so popular.”

Woohyun leaves the table and Sunggyu pretends not to notice. Sometimes, Woohyun likes his space. Sometimes, Sunggyu does not get that he should not give it to him.

“Boss, why did you call for me?” Sunggyu asks as he steps into the office. He makes himself comfortable and gets a bottled water from the mini refrigerator. It is something that other idols would never dream of doing out of fear but fear has never even crossed Sunggyu’s mind.

Jungyeop, their agency’s CEO, taps his pen on the desk. He cuts to the chase and asks the very question, “Do you think Woohyun should have a solo album?”

“Why are you asking me? Shouldn’t you be asking producers about this?”

“Because you know your fans and you know Woohyun. It was a mistake not asking you about his previous project.”

“I think Woohyun should have a solo album,” Sunggyu answers. “You should let him choose his producer but his choices should already be established names in Korea.”

“So you really think he can do this?”

“No,” Sunggyu confesses. “I couldn’t. You see what happened to me when you had so many expectations. You should plan more carefully for him.”

“It’s strange,” Jungyeop thinks aloud. “The drama producers aren’t calling. Shouldn’t they be calling?”

“There was that one time, though,” Sunggyu offers.

“Technically, two.”

“Look,” Sunggyu begins. “I think Woohyun is more of an asset than me. We obsess about rankings a lot but our fans are devoted. His fans are very devoted; you see his gifts every single event. They’ve been asking about Woohyun’s album for a long time. But I just think, you need to plan it more carefully for him. Have him talk to producers because he knows his own capabilities. And the fans would appreciate it more because he’s involved with the production. Don’t be too impatient with it.”

“Very well,” Jungyeop concludes. “Let’s see when a right opportunity can come.”

Woohyun hides in the next room when he hears Sunggyu saying goodbye to their boss. He feels touched and he feels guilty for hating Sunggyu.

When he comes into Sunggyu’s room though that night to make up with his boyfriend, Sunggyu blatantly pushes him outside. “Not now, Woohyun!”

“But hyung? Can I just at least talk to you?”

"About what?” Sunggyu asks after closing the door behind him and leaning his back squarely on it as if Woohyun should never even dream about tricking him to get inside. Woohyun frowns at that but he proceeds to talking about what he came upstairs for. “I just want to say sorry. I know you’re just looking out for me as a hyung and…” He pauses and looks down to hide his blush.

“And?” Sunggyu asks impatiently.

“As my boyfriend.”

Sunggyu grins and blushes too. His eyes turn into crescents and he looks like he is radiating. It is one of the things Woohyun loves to see because it feels like a force that just instantly affects him and soon enough he feels himself smiling at Sunggyu, too.

“I’m sorry, too,” Sunggyu says gently.

Woohyun gives Sunggyu a big hug. The skin beneath his touch feels cool and the cotton his fingertips brush is almost prickly. “But hyung,” Woohyun whispers as he settles his head snugged in the crook of Sunggyu’s neck. “Why can’t I come in? We’re all good and made up now, right?”

Sunggyu tenses and Woohyun does not push it; he fights the urge, at least. But it wins against him. “Are you hiding something from me?”

Sunggyu gives a nervous laugh. “Why would you think that? It’s just messy inside. As much as I love you, you keep nagging at me when you see clutter though.” He laughs again.

Woohyun frowns at the obvious lie but he misses this Sunggyu— _his_ Sunggyu—to push the topic further. He might be the one getting pushed in the end; not that he minds if it is against the wall or against the desk. But maybe he should because he realizes they are merely hugging and yet he is getting a boner.

In a week, however, Woohyun sneaks in upstairs. He would not really consider it sneaking in but he feels as though he is because even if he knows the unit’s lock code, he is only there because Sunggyu is not.

On top of Sunggyu’s work desk where everything is neatly kept, Woohyun sees it. It lies looking haphazardly placed on the table, looking painfully out of place, which Woohyun can never overlook being the softie that he is.

He curiously hums the melody written on the sheet and then, he scans more of the pages that follow. “In The Heights,” it reads.

A sticky note in Dongwoo’s small and hard-to-read handwriting falls to the floor as he tries to count how many pages there are. “Hyung, I really want this project. These are the songs they already translated for us. I’m so happy you said yes. Fighting to both of us! Crabs pinch and pull one another down so they can rise to the top but let’s be crabs that hold each other’s pincers.”

A green monster is slowly clawing its way back into Woohyun’s heart. “He said we were busy,” Woohyun mutters. “So busy he can manage getting into a musical… with Dongwoo.”

Woohyun frowned at himself the moment the thought arrives in his mind. Dongwoo is such a hardworking and wonderful person; why would he be mad at Dongwoo? It is not Dongwoo’s fault. Woohyun is just mad. Why was Sunggyu supportive of everyone except him?

Sure, Sunggyu was there when Woohyun had composed a song. He was there when Woohyun first acted. He was there when ToHeart happened. Although when it happened, Sunggyu did not seem that excited of the idea but deep inside him, he was supportive; or so Woohyun convinces himself. Then, he wonders, was Sunggyu there to be supportive or because he needed saving? Sunggyu is more popular than him and when he is there, Woohyun feels more relaxed as though INFINITE is behind him and he can accomplish anything. And everything does go well. But, perhaps just perhaps, that everything goes well because of Sunggyu’s presence? Would going on a popular show really damage them if Woohyun went alone without Sunggyu being there to save him? “Nam Woohyun is not a damsel in distress that needs saving, damn it!” he curses to himself.

Woohyun just feels sad… angry too, although he is not sure whom his anger is directed at… maybe a bit disappointed, too… and very upset.

Woohyun clambers down the stairs because the elevator is just too confining and he is already suffocating as it is. He tries his best to cheer himself up but he misses everyone, he needs some comfort. But he feels as though there is no one anywhere waiting for him. No one would drop what they were doing for him after a phone call. He is also too distracted and too angry to have drive around the city. The only person he can turn to is his mother but Woohyun’s mother is the last person Woohyun wants to burden with his problems. He knows she is dealing with a lot as it is.

“Suck it up, Nam,” he says to himself echoing the words he has always been hearing all his life. “Suck it up, suck it up. Your problems are not actually big; it is just you being unable to deal with your little problems because you are weak, insecure, friendless and lacking.”

Woohyun feels sick.

All these years of putting on a brave face and even practically shoving his best foot down everyone’s throats, Woohyun has had enough and he is sick of it.

Woohyun holes himself up in his room. He just cries with no regard for time.

He feels so useless. No, even worse than useless because he is wasting resources by living. He has worked so hard, used up so much energy and for what? To just merely wait for an opportunity that may never come while everyone is getting each of their own turns in the spotlight? It is so futile to fight against the current because in the end, everyone is going to die anyway. What is Woohyun even fighting for? He should just be thankful he is not starving on the streets.

Woohyun has never allowed such thoughts of darkness fill his mind but it is extremely difficult to keep them at bay when he feels betrayed that the promises of his dreams are actually lies. Woohyun was supposed to succeed but has he not been working hard enough?

Sunggyu does not bother knocking and shows himself inside Woohyun’s room. “I come bearing gifts,” he says.

Woohyun glumly moves farther from Sunggyu who sat on the bed without even asking. He attempts to wrap himself with his thin blanket. He wishes it will be enough to drive Sunggyu away; he himself knows it is not.

“Hey, sleepy head, get up,” Sunggyu says gently as he shakes Woohyun’s shoulders, or what he thinks are Woohyun’s shoulders.

Woohyun mutters, “Go away. I’m not in the mood.”

“But Sungyeol told me you haven’t eaten anything all day. You can't starve yourself, Woohyunnie. We have to fly early tomorrow; you need to be okay. What were you thinking of that’s more important than making sure you’re healthy? You never think clearly, do you? Luckily, this hyung—”

“I know. I’m the national idiot. Tell me something new.”

“Woohyun-ah…”

“You love it, don’t you? Making me feel inferior since you’re so good at everything.”

“What? What’s this about? What are you talking about?”

“You should have everything. You deserve all the spotlight. Just keep hogging it, leader-nim,” Woohyun says so spitefully that his saliva flew onto his blanket. He tries to angrily wipe it off but Sunggyu pulled the blanket so forcefully, he dragged Woohyun as well.

“I’m so sick of this. I’m so sick of you! Just leave me alone,” Woohyun says crying as he looks down and as he moves away toward the headboard of his bed.

“What have I done to you? Why are you saying this to me? You know I would never—”

“I’m not thinking clearly. I never do. That’s right, hyung,” Woohyun sniffles. “I think… I think I need time. Just leave—”

“What’s this about? Are you breaking up with me?”

“I don’t know. I hate myself. I’m starting to hate everything as well.”

“Just fucking tell it to me straight! Are you breaking up with me?”

Woohyun irritably grabs his blanket from Sunggyu but Sunggyu doesn’t let him. “What’s wrong with you, Woohyun?”

“Everything’s wrong with me! Can’t you see?!”

“Quit making fun of my eyes!”

“There it is again! I’m not talking about you! I’m talking about me! How about me? My eyes are small, too, in case your small eyes haven’t noticed that! But maybe it is about your eyes! They’re so small, you only see what you want to see; you only see yourself!”

“That’s not true! I’m the leader and I think about all of you, each and every single cell in your body.”

Woohyun genuinely laughs which then turns into a sardonic one. “I’m sick of this. I’m sick of you. End this! End our relationship now!”

“What?”

“If you end it, you will remember and you’ll remember to stay away from me.”

Almost pleadingly, Sunggyu asks, “What did I do that made you so angry with me?”

“I saw! Okay, I saw! You’re doing a thing with Dongwoo and yet you didn’t want me to do my thing!”

“Woohyun… It’s—”

“It’s not like that? Is that what you’re going to say? You hid it from me and you were so unsupportive of me! What am I supposed to think?”

“I’m sorry, Woohyun. I was still thinking about it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but that wasn’t what I was—”

“Hyung, I'm not happy anymore. Let’s break up.”

“No, you can’t mean that. Anything but this. Come on, Woohyun. I'll make you happy. Whatever I did, I'm sorry. Just tell me what to do, I'll do it.”

“Yeah, no, not me. It’s not supposed to be me who says it. It should be hyung. You end this. Whatever this relationship is. Why would I even dare? I’m not reasonable enough. I never think clearly.”

“Come on, Woohyun. I said sorry. What do you want from me?”

“Yeah, hyung. Why am I so demanding, huh? I should just accept what you can spare me. After all I’m just a lost puppy without you.”

Sunggyu only stares at him. Woohyun stares back. It feels like forever and Woohyun almost wants to give in first but just then, Sunggyu stands up and leaves, slamming the door. The sound echoes and shakes every space inside Woohyun. All he can think of is making Sunggyu feel what he feels.


	3. Sunggyu

  


* * *

Sunggyu looks up at the sky before he makes his way inside his agency’s building. Just for a second, he allows himself this freedom of looking up.

> “Woohyun,” Sunggyu called out to Woohyun in the darkness of their shared room. Woohyun hummed in response. “Why do you love me?”
> 
> Woohyun laughed but he did not hear Sunggyu laugh along. So, he answered, “I don’t know.”
> 
> “What do you mean you don’t know?” Sunggyu insisted. “Do you mean you just don’t think about it or you know but you can’t put it into words?”
> 
> Woohyun took a moment then, he answered, “Both. I guess.”
> 
> “I know why I love you,” Sunggyu said in turn.
> 
> “Why?”
> 
> “I’m not telling you.”
> 
> Woohyun reached out for Sunggyu’s hand. It was formed into a fist so he tried to pry it open. When he successfully did so, he aligned it with his and said, “It’s okay. What’s important is you do.”
> 
> Woohyun brought Sunggyu’s hand up to his face and Sunggyu instinctively traced the contours of Woohyun’s face. He was trying to memorize every part, every dip and low, every bump and curve, of Woohyun’s face.
> 
> “It’s because you’re beautiful,” Sunggyu whispered.
> 
> “Don't you mean handsome?” Woohyun smiled.
> 
> “It’s your soul. Your soul is beautiful.”
> 
> “How do you see me?” Woohyun asked.
> 
> “How can I not see you?” Sunggyu asked back. “You fill every part of me. You are my strength in times when I’m weak.”
> 
> “But you are strong, hyung.”
> 
> “Only because you believe in me. I want to be the person you think I am.”
> 
> “Sunggyu,” Woohyun called out to Sunggyu. “You only see the best in me, hyung. But that’s the person I also want to become.”
> 
> “Woohyun.”
> 
> They shared the peaceful silence.
> 
> The truth was Woohyun knew why he loved Sunggyu and Sunggyu knew as well. Woohyun was a hopeless romantic. Sunggyu did not believe in that sort of thing though. He never has.
> 
> It was Woohyun who broke the silence. “I don’t know why I love you but I know that I need you because I love you,” Woohyun settled to answer.
> 
> “It’s okay,” Sunggyu echoed. “What’s important is you do.”

Sunggyu finds remembering this certain instance funny. He is so tired of it all that he finds the humor in the saddest things. He realizes the reason why people describe this feeling as bitter—you can only know how to feel dissatisfied after you have known what deliciousness or what sweetness is; otherwise, it would just be normal to think of it as natural.

He fixes his cap and proceeds to enter the building.

“How is Woohyun?” Sunggyu asks one of the managers in a whisper when they cross paths at the stairway. The manager only shakes his head.

The members of INFINITE recently moved out of their dorms and all live separately now. Myungsoo really needed to move out because he did not even live at the dorm with Woohyun, Sungyeol and Sungjong. It was more like, he visited often and occasionally slept over. He slept more at his manager’s car; it was practically his home. Everyone followed suit after. They all had more individual schedules than group ones, anyway.

It is funny, Sunggyu thinks. It does not feel like it was long ago when he and Woohyun shared a room, when they shared stories if they could not fall asleep, when they relied on each other during the hard times. Here they are now though, Sunggyu had to ask someone else how his boyfriend was doing; for Sunggyu, Woohyun is still his boyfriend.

“Sunggyu hyung!” Sungjong calls. “We need to rehearse. The livestream will start in two hours.”

“What? They said it would be at 8!”

“Silly hyung. Surely, the staff needs to test if all the equipment work fine just before the livestream.”

“Is everyone already here?”

“Just me and Howon hyung. The others will arrive soon but Myung hyung said he’ll be late. He’s only at Incheon though; he’ll make it with time to spare.”

“We can rehearse with him while the staff set up.”

They enter the wide practice room and everyone including the band is busy. They all have papers—music sheets and setlist—on their stands, reviewing them. The arrangements to the songs on the album are not that much different from what they will sing tonight. They will be singing with a band though so rehearsals are really a must.

Sungjong engages Sunggyu in small talk when they sit. It does not feel like an intervention until he notices Howon’s interest in the conversation, like he is only waiting to add his two cents.

“Woohyun hyung has been really down these days. Haven’t you noticed, hyung? What do you think we should do? Our hyung is a fragile flower but he doesn’t say a thing. Maybe his shoulder is still bothering him.”

“He went to have a check-up last week. Jungwook hyung told me. But the check-up was for his throat.”

“Hyung, did you know?”

Sunggyu quietly admits, “No.”

“Even about his parents?”

“Ah, that… I don’t really know any updates about it but I assumed…”

“Hyung must feel very lonely. I want to comfort him but it’s hard, you know? We’ve known each other for years but you know him; he doesn’t like being vulnerable. I don’t know how to approach the subject.”

Sunggyu suggests, “Woohyun likes being doted on. He absolutely loves it. Maybe we should show him we care because he misses us, too.” He wants to dote on Woohyun himself but he knows that will be the last thing to cheer Woohyun up right now especially if it is on air.

“Okay. Maybe after that he’ll stop sending me annoying emoticons on ka-talk. His ka-talks have been driving me insane.”

“He messages you?” Sunggyu asks despite knowing the obvious.

“Yeah, but just me and Howon hyung. It’s strange. Yeol hyung says he doesn’t mind but his answers are short when it comes to talking about Woohyun hyung, just ‘is that so?’ and ‘he’ll come around,’ those kind of replies. So, I let it go and also, Woohyun hyung is tech savvy; I thought he was just trying out new features. Doesn’t he—”

“How about you, Sunggyu hyung? Woohyun hyung doesn’t…”

Sunggyu only shakes his head so both Sungjong and Howon stay silent.

When Dongwoo and Sungyeol arrive, they all catch up on each other and talk animatedly before rehearsing. The stylists fix their hair and Sunggyu has to get rid of his cap. Then, Myungsoo and Woohyun arrive at the same time, just in time for two more rounds of their setlist. There is only so little time before they start so the stylists merely hand Myungsoo and Woohyun their clothes and dab some cream on their faces.

Woohyun sits beside Sunggyu and everyone pretends that everything is peachy. Everything has been fine up to this point, anyway. There were no problems with recording the songs on the album, no problems with shooting for the music video and photos for their album’s jacket. That is, except for Sunggyu and Woohyun’s huge tension.

“Hello, everyone!” Sunggyu starts. “Today we will reveal INFINITE’s 5th mini album Reality’s preview by presenting to you ‘Reality Acoustic Live!’ Shall we start off by greeting everyone? Okay, 1, 2…”

Together, they all greet with a bow, “Hello! We are INFINITE!” After they all show their excitement, they greet the viewers individually.

Sunggyu makes a few mistakes while reading the cards and surprisingly, Woohyun is actively helping him. Before they started, Sunggyu asked Howon and Sungjong to be attentive because Sunggyu is clumsy with words. It is only expected that Howon helps him; “We’re not doing a game show,” he even says. On Sunggyu's left, however, Woohyun is really making his presence known. Later on, Sunggyu’s body language reveals his true feelings; he keeps on facing Woohyun’s side though he consciously eases out of it now and again.

They are all having fun chatting while talking about the points on the cue cards. Sungyeol brings up the comment about a fan wanting Sunggyu to shave his head and Dongwoo validates it by saying that he saw it too and they all laugh. Woohyun then attempts a joke after Sunggyu talks about the number of comments; it is too poor and pitiful though that Woohyun himself has to apologize for even attempting to joke. Woohyun does not give up though. He really is trying his hardest to be funny. Sunggyu wonders what is really going on with him.

Howon proceeds to read a question about their refrigerator and they ride on Howon’s story because truthfully they do not live together anymore. They do not know what is going on with each other’s refrigerators; they do not even share one anymore.

It has been awkward because they have not been together for a while; there is definitely tension brewing and everyone can feel it. They are earnest people, however, and it always shows when they are sincere and when they know well what they are doing. It all goes smoothly after they start talking about their preparations for the title track’s music video and the album. Then, they start talking naturally as they did before—when they lived together and have known each other’s personalities like the back of their hands. They even start to fondly tease Sungjong.

When they start singing, a feeling swells up inside Sunggyu’s chest because it is showtime and they are revealing their music to the world. For those few minutes, he turns to Woohyun and he completely forgets. He is just enjoying the music.

“Sunggyu-ssi, do you like meat?” Woohyun asks when they get to the other side of the rooftop for a new segment of the broadcast. Meat and other ingredients, cans of Pepsi as well, are prepared for them so they can have samgyupsal.

Sunggyu is a little surprised and Woohyun has to repeat the question. Then, Sunggyu answers formally, “Yes, I like meat.”

He wonders why Woohyun had to ask as if he does not know that Sunggyu absolutely loves food and Woohyun did not even ask the other members that question. Sunggyu just brushes the thought off though. Woohyun just assigned himself as the cook, as per usual. There is nothing unusual about it.

While Woohyun cooks the meat for the rest of them, they play game and they naturally have fun. The questions are fun enough where they can reveal more about themselves.

“Who eats the most?”

Everyone points at Myungsoo. He asks why him and Sunggyu explains, “Myungsoo doesn’t like to be viewed that he eats the most but he really likes eating.”

“I do like eating.”

“I admit that I’m the second,” Sunggyu declares.

Dongwoo interjects that he likes to eat, too.

Sunggyu concludes, “Myungsoo likes eating. I’m second and then, Dongwoo.”

“I don’t like eating that much,” Sungyeol admits and Sungjong seconds him that he too does not eat much.

The questions proceed as such where they reveal more about each other until they get to the question about their ambitions that are unrelated to INFINITE. They get a little serious and Sunggyu feels a little more like a hyung at this point when he hears all these dreams that the members are taking steps forward to because he is a witness to each one of them; this is INFINITE— _his_ little brothers’ real side.

Myungsoo chimes, “Oh! I’m curious what Sunggyu hyung’s dream is!”

“My personal ambition is for INFINITE to—”

Sungyeol cuts him off, “No! It’s supposed to be unrelated to work.”

“It has to be unrelated. Your personal ambitions.”

Dongwoo has to bring up the card. “Look here,” he says, “It explicitly states unrelated to INFINITE.”

“Ah… Real and unrelated to work. I just really want to be on stage in front of Inspirits until I die.”

“Excuse me,” Sungyeol interjects again. “It has to be unrelated to work.”

“That is what I really want to achieve—to stand on stage until I die.”

“Oh? As a solo performer?” Sungyeol asks.

“No, no!”

They laugh and Sungjong calls the hit.

Woohyun interjects, however, “You will die on stage?”

“I will be performing until I die.”

“If you die on stage, then what?” Woohyun presses on.

“What?” Dongwoo asks laughing; he does that when it gets uncomfortable aside from when he finds something humorous.

Flustered, Sunggyu says, “I can’t think of dying right now.”

“That’s too dark!” One of the members comments.

“Too dark,” the rest agrees.

Sunggyu has to conclude. “You’ve all heard our real personal ambitions. I want to be on stage until I die. Sungjong-ssi wants…”

“Have a solo,” Sungjong helpfully supplements.

“...to be on more broadcasts, more opportunities to prove his acting. Then, L-ssi wants to tone his body. Hoya-ssi does not want to be sick or be injured. For Sungyeol-ssi, it’s sports and his chicken business. And then, Woohyun-ssi wants to be in K-league, playing soccer and also take over Woollim as the CEO. Then, Dongwoo-ssi, even though right now is happy, he also wants to be a racer.”

“It’s good to be filled with dreams,” Sungyeol says.

Sunggyu comments, “Your dreams are very cute.”

“Our dreams are all different,” Dongwoo adds.

“Yes, that’s a good thing.”

“Okay, while we wait for the food, let’s answer another question,” Sunggyu announces. He laughs because this is the perfect opportunity. The question has Woohyun written all over it because even blind men can see that Woohyun loves compliments.

“Why did you just laugh?” they ask Sunggyu.

“We’ve been asked this question a lot; many people sent this question in.”

“What is it?”

Sunggyu proceeds to read the question. “After debut, who has become the coolest member?”

Woohyun has his back turned because is cooking. And while, everyone is fussing around commenting about the question, Sunggyu gets everyone in on it.

“The truth is, everyone is great and have grown to be better but let’s choose among ourselves.” He says while he points at Woohyun, gesturing for everyone to vote for Woohyun.

Sunggyu calls, “Woohyun-ssi, are you ready? Please turn around and vote with us.”

They count to three.

Dongwoo exclaims as he points at Woohyun, “Yummy!” The rest of the members laugh. Sungyeol asks, “What was that?”

Everyone points at Woohyun and Woohyun points at Sunggyu.

“Those who voted for Woohyun?”

The members raise their hands while claiming, “Me!”

“Everyone except Woohyun,” Sungjong clarifies.

“Five people,” Sunggyu counts, “and Woohyun chose me.” Then, he asks Woohyun, “How do feel that the members chose you?”

Woohyun stretches out his hand and Sunggyu accepts it. As Sunggyu shakes it to signify his congratulations, Woohyun answers, “I like it. It makes me feel you all like me.”

Sunggyu confesses, “I still vividly remember the first time I met Woohyun. Truthfully, Woohyun was already very cool before but he has become even cooler than how he was before.”

He, then, ends the segment because they need to head back to their seats on the other side of the rooftop. They proceed to grant the viewers’ wishes. The staff is hurrying them up even though the staff themselves are still writing and choosing the wishes that the members need to fulfill.

Pressed for time, although knowing Woohyun hates it, Sunggyu asks Woohyun to do his latin dance. Woohyun hates it a lot because though Inspirits are asking him to do it out of fondness, it is still embarrassing. Woohyun does it eventually because his pleas fall on deaf ears. Sunggyu even makes him do it again because Woohyun is halfhearted.

“That’s the end,” Woohyun says. Sunggyu cannot insist anymore.

“Hurry, hurry,” one of the staff gestures. They still need to sing two more songs  and they have already been broadcasting for almost an hour. The members do the requests from fans as quickly as they can. Then, it starts raining. They want Howon to do the request well but Woohyun has to cut them off because they really need to sing the songs; the acoustic preview is the purpose of the broadcast after all.

The group does not like it when things happen like this. However, they must be professional. So, Sungyeol proceeds to introduce the next song. “This song has been one of our favorites to record. It is, ‘Standing Face to Face.’ Like in the movies, it is that song that plays when two people have to part ways.”

When they start singing, Sunggyu starts feeling the momentum of the song build up. He stands up and Woohyun follows suit. Just like in the movies, when two people have to part… the two lose themselves in the music.

Without any breaks, they introduce and sing their last song which is their title track. Afterwards, the rain has not yet stopped. They finish off the requests from fans; they promote Naver and its new app, V; finally, they promote their upcoming album’s release.

“Good job, everyone!” The staff congratulates the group, the band, and each other.

“Hey, Woohyun,” Sunggyu tries to get Woohyun’s attention but the other only turns to him with an uninterested expression.

Woohyun cuts Sunggyu off before the leader can even say what he meant to say though. “What is it, Sunggyu-ssi? Is it important? I have to go to university tomorrow.”

Right, Sunggyu thinks. Woohyun enrolled for a master’s degree and he has become busier doing his compositions and school work. Sunggyu cannot get in the way; he cannot be selfish again. “I missed you, that’s all.”

Woohyun visibly flinches. Sunggyu feels his heart drop in that instant.

“I really have to go.”

“Okay. Take care, Woohyun.”

Woohyun merely nods and turns his back on Sunggyu. For some reason, as Sunggyu watches Woohyun walk away from him, Woohyun’s back becomes more unfamiliar. Sunggyu has a strong urge to run after Woohyun to stop him from shutting Sunggyu out of his life.

It felt as if it was a goodbye but Sunggyu does not even take one step.


	4. Woohyun

  
  


* * *

As everyone knows, Myungsoo just chatters on when he is drunk; he just never stops. Myungsoo says a lot of weird things, especially math stuff that no one really cares about. Woohyun wonders why of all the sad shit he knows from poetry and songs to really depressing movies and anime—out of _everything_ he knows really—he remembers Myungsoo’s words that one night abroad.

> “All I’m saying,” Myungsoo said, “Eddard Stark is too honorable to have a bastard son.”
> 
> Sungyeol argued, “But he told King Robert Baratheon the name of Jon Snow’s mother.”
> 
> Myungsoo snapped testily, red in the face, “Everyone lies. It’s a game; it’s called Game of Thrones.”
> 
> “So who is Jon Snow’s mother?” Sunggyu asked.
> 
> “Lyanna Stark.”
> 
> “Why would he fuck his own sister? That’s even more fucked up.”
> 
> “That’s not what I mean!” Myungsoo cried and then, took another gulp from his canned beer. “When they said she was kidnapped, she really wasn’t. She and Rhaegar were in love and they had Jon but Ned can’t tell Robert that; he’s his best friend and he’s engaged to Lyanna. What would Robert do to Jon Snow if he found out? Of course, Ned will try to save the boy; he’s a Stark after all.”
> 
> “This is crazy.”
> 
> “But when you think about it,” Howon contributed. “Even when they charged him with treason, Lord Stark was willing to die knowing what he did was right. He wanted to die with honor. When Varys told him to think about his daughter though, he lied and admitted to treason, thinking that would protect Sansa.”
> 
> “Exactly. He’s honorable but he puts his family first even if he has to lie for them. People are really complicated. That’s what I’m saying.” Myungsoo gestured with his hands, “But I think people act based on a priority of values. Imagine two people with the same set of values. Person A values love, dreams and family and person B also values them but person A and B act differently. Let’s say they both fall in love. Heck! Let’s say, they’re both in love with each other. Person A values love, dreams and family in that exact order but person B values dreams more than love and family because for some reason, let’s say, he thinks the person he loves would understand that dreams are important for him to follow and that’s the test of true love for him. They will act differently. Person B will inevitably hurt person A and both of them will be upset with each other that the other one isn’t responding the way they expect them to because they think, ‘We care about the same things but why is he acting like this? Why doesn’t he understand me?’ Both of them will never understand because they both believe they’re right and it’s the other one who’s wrong.”
> 
> “It’s hard to know for sure how you rank this kind of things though,” Dongwoo said contemplatively.
> 
> “It is, probably. But I think you know what will be more important when a time comes that you have to choose.”
> 
> “I guess.”
> 
> “The words of House Tully: family, duty, honor,” Howon recites.
> 
> Myungsoo nodded. “What if people’s personalities are just permutations of known values and the more values we learn to care for, the more sophisticated and more complicated we become—that’s why we’re all the same and different at the same time but that’s also why we have more and more difficult problems?”

Woohyun had no idea what in the world Myungsoo was getting at. Woohyun also likes Game of Thrones but Myungsoo gets obsessed with things and people; when Myungsoo gets obsessed, he really dives into it. Woohyun shrugged it off as an idea that is too deep for him but he thinks he gets it now; he understands what Myungsoo was saying.

“He said that? Sunggyu said that?” Kibum asks him.

“Yeah. I was breaking up with him but he was making it about himself again,” Woohyun says dejectedly. “Wait, why are you laughing?”

“Sunggyu told you to quit making fun of his eyes.”

“It is kind of funny. It’s an old joke but it’s still funny.”

“Hey, listen Woohyun,” Kibum begins, tone more somber. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you while you were feeling sad and all but I don’t think you should push away the people who love you.”

“Sunggyu doesn’t love me.”

Kibum does not respond.

“Hello? Are you still there?” Woohyun asks then, he checks his phone to see if the call was disconnected.

“Yes, I’m here.”

“Why didn’t you answer me?”

“I’m sorry. My dignity didn’t allow me to respond to bullshit.”

“What the fuck? There’s no bullshit in what I said. I only say real and true things.”

Kibum laughs hysterically.

“Are you done laughing? I’m really confused, right now.”

“Well, what matters most of all are your feelings. How about you get a hobby while you figure things out? It seems like there’s not a lot of soccer games lately and video games aren’t that healthy.”

Woohyun fondly recalls a memory and before he really thought about saying it, the memory just slipped from his mouth. “You know, Sunggyu tried to look for a hobby once—”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Really comforting,” Woohyun answers back with a toothy grin that does not quite reach his eyes. He knows it himself that he should stop talking about Sunggyu.

“This is kind of for the best though, right? Why are you feeling sorry when you had to be okay first before giving yourself to someone in a relationship? It’s you who always quotes E.E. Cummings about his ideals about love and how you have to be whole before you can commit to anyone.”

“I was profound,” Woohyun says in almost a whisper as if remembering that he did like the modern poet.

“You like people who are profound; that doesn’t necessarily mean you are one.”

“Everyone is such a jerk to me. I can’t catch a break.”

Kibum cheerily replies, “Happy to help!” In all seriousness again, he adds, “It’s not about Sunggyu, isn’t it? You just want to be okay first, right? Feeling insecure and all that?”

Woohyun hums in agreement. It is amazing how Kibum seems to understand even without him saying anything.

There is one more thing that has been bothering him though but it is too personal to share even to his best friend. The fans know though; surely, everyone in INFINITE knows. They are his brothers so it is okay that they know, he figures. Or maybe, it is saying it himself that he is not okay with. Either way, he does not add anything to what Kibum is saying.

“Sunggyu seems to really love you. He is a great guy so I think he can wait for you to be okay if you just tell him to.”

“I don’t want to talk to him.”

Kibum sighs. “You should though. He is probably hurting, too.”

“I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”

Talking to Sunggyu seems like a horrible idea to Woohyun. He also cannot tell Kibum about that time Sunggyu got drunk and yelled at him. Woohyun thought Sunggyu would hit him that time; he was absolutely terrified. It seems ridiculous thinking about it now because he knows full well that Sunggyu is the least violent person in the world; Sunggyu absolutely hates it when he has to raise his fist to discipline them. Woohyun avoided Sunggyu and treated him so cruelly; he just does not know how to talk to him after that—after Sunggyu drunkenly asked him to listen. Sunggyu has never looked so… so… so _desperate_. It is almost like Woohyun broke Sunggyu. Maybe, he did. Woohyun does not want to think about it anymore.

“So, how is ‘furthering your education’ going?” Kibum suddenly brings up.

The change of topic is very welcomed so Woohyun talks about it: music theory and all that technical stuff he has learned.

“Yeah, that’s good. You should really express it in music,” Kibum concludes. “More money, am I right?”

Woohyun laughs, albeit just a little chuckle. Then, they end the call.

He is sitting on the hospital bed now for his check-up. It is just a check-up, really. It is not supposed to be a big deal except he feels the need to clear his throat. He can still talk normally but there is a gruff at the end of his sentences that is barely noticeable—of course, it is noticeable to him—and there are tiny pebbles in his throat. It can possibly just be phlegm in his throat leading to a common cold but singing is his profession, his bread and butter; so, he has to take it seriously.

A message pops up on his phone and it surprises him; it is from Sunggyu.

“I saw this tweet: [link]. A fan saw you. I had to confirm.”

The tweet reads:

> My friend saw Woohyun in the emergency room. She knows it’s him. She’s also an Inspirit. She asked the staff and they said there’s something about his throat. I hope he gets well.

Woohyun feels a weight pressing on his head. He thought the manager already took care of this but hospital staff, just like any other staff, is horrible with gossip.

He replies to Sunggyu, “Sorry. I thought Seonho hyung told you. I asked him to take me because I think I’m coming down with a cold. Just being safe.”

“Woohyun, you know you should tell me if there’s anything. Let’s be at least professional about this.”

“But it’s nothing, hyung. They’re just taking x-rays and scans to make sure,” Woohyun replies with ease. It surprises him a bit because he is back to talking to Sunggyu like this. “Anyway, it’s boring. I’m bored here. The doctor already left. He just checked my mouth and looked into my throat with the tube.”

“You said it’s nothing so you’ll be out of there right away.”

Right, Woohyun thinks. Sunggyu’s clipped reply brings him back to ‘Let’s be at least professional about this.’ He almost forgot what happened. He cannot talk to Sunggyu like that. Why did he even reply like that to his leader? It almost sounded playful.

He presses the backspace long enough to delete his supposed next message that says: Come and play with me.

Fuck.

He misses Sunggyu and it hurts so much because he loves the man but he does not know how to fix what he fucked up in just less than five minutes.

The guilt consumes him and he keeps on thinking back about the things he missed and the things he missed out on—things he regrets doing and not doing. He hates it and he has the perfect song playing in his mind as the memories roll out like a movie montage.

“Fucking ‘Sixty Seconds’ is playing in my mind and I’ve never hated any song as much as this,” he mutters disbelievingly as if he knew he had to say it out loud or the thought would keep on dancing in his head.

It is a song that hurt Sunggyu and his pride because of all the stupid people saying it failed when it clearly did not; it charted for fuck’s sake and Sunggyu did not even hold any showcase for his album. As if it did not do enough damage, Sunggyu had to sing it over and over in all of these countries they went to. The members each had a thing or two to say about that ‘double-edged sword’ that Sunggyu had to sing in the dressing room every time. Now, it is all that is in Woohyun’s head.

“I hate this song so much!” he says exhaustedly as he flops down the bed. He quickly grabs his phone to look for some other song to play to distract him when the doctor knocks on his door.

“Woohyun-ssi?” he asks.

“Yes?”

“Your test results are here. There is nothing too critical about your condition,” he explains as he hands Woohyun a brown envelope. “There are no inflammations and don’t worry, you don’t have any tumor or cancer. You’re experiencing laryngitis from a viral infection.”

“Yes?”

“You have the common cold. However, your vocal chords are swelled up,” he says as he gestures with his hands what he thinks how vocal chords look like swelled up.

“So, I’m fine?”

The doctor nods but he says, “I advise you not to strain your voice and you should talk to your vocal coach. Ask for a different technique that would be better for your condition or do some warm-ups before singing. I also went ahead and told your manager that you should rest your voice for a few weeks. It will go away soon.”

“But I can’t,” Woohyun protests. “Our promotions are starting soon, doctor. If it’s just a cold, I can just take a tablet or a syrup, right?”

“Woohyun-ssi, it’s laryngitis. It’s just an infection now but if you strain your voice it could cause more harm to your vocal chords.”

“But doctor, you don’t understand. I’m the main vocalist.”

“It will go away soon, Woohyun-ssi. After a few weeks of rest.”

Great, Woohyun thinks. Another thing that makes him even more useless.

Myungsoo is never at home and Sungyeol and Sungjong are also out; he has the unit to himself. He wants to go crazy like throw a party but instead, he takes a nap.

Woohyun wakes up from his nap with beads of sweat running down his face. He feels his penis hard from his dream. He runs straight to the bathroom to relieve himself but he cannot find what will drive him to release.

He thinks about how Sunggyu is probably upstairs. Woohyun just wants to throw himself at Sunggyu. Sunggyu would push him down the bed like what he did in Woohyun’s dream. Woohyun imagines how strong Sunggyu will grip his wrists and how forceful Sunggyu will be to position him just how he liked Woohyun—on his knees, presenting his ass; Sunggyu will slap his ass and it will sting deliciously. He imagines the feel of Sunggyu’s skin on his and Sunggyu’s breath travelling across his back. He has always loved how playfully dominant Sunggyu is—as if Sunggyu was making Woohyun guess what he would do next; it kept Woohyun on the edge. Will Sunggyu play with his ass or his cock? Will Sunggyu finally kiss him? Oh God, did Woohyun want Sunggyu to kiss him, anywhere. He misses the feeling of Sunggyu’s touch, setting him on fire. He misses that look on Sunggyu’s eyes when he is turned on—when Woohyun turns him on.

Sunggyu is just upstairs. It will be so easy. Woohyun can just climb upstairs and kiss Sunggyu like how American movies do it.

Woohyun almost laughs because the logic is too pornographic; it is simply ridiculous. However, Sunggyu will not deny him, will he?

They can just make up after the sex like how they made up that one time in Bangkok. Sex is so good abroad; there is that thrill of being caught as well as the sand stuck all over his body because of their sticky cum.

Sunggyu will not deny him.

Fuck, he just needs to fuck. His cock is so hard and it is driving him insane that he has to pathetically get himself off thinking of Sunggyu like this when he knows Sunggyu is just upstairs, most probably thinking of him too.

He stuffs his cock back into his shorts and puts some pants on. He also takes a long coat to hide it. He is wearing an insane amount of clothes—his shirt under his hoodie that is under his coat—but it will all fall to the floor in a mere second once he gets to Sunggyu.

He has never noticed how long it took for an elevator to arrive upstairs and how far Sunggyu’s unit with Dongwoo and Howon is to the elevator but it is taking forever. His excitement is waning by the millisecond.

He punches the code and the door opens to him.

It is dark inside. Maybe, nobody is home but it is impossible. Sunggyu has a week off; Sunggyu is just sleeping.

So, Woohyun heads straight to Sunggyu’s room.

His heart is pounding while he attempts to grab the doorknob. Sunggyu is inside and the thought alone makes Woohyun panic. It seemed like such a good idea a while ago but now he realizes his dick did all the thinking.

He is now here though and even if they do not have sex, Woohyun sincerely misses Sunggyu and he does owe Sunggyu some apologies, too.

Fuck it, Woohyun thinks as he grabs the knob and pushes the door. It flies open; Woohyun must be too shaken to realize his force.

It is also dark inside so, Woohyun cautiously says, “Hey, hyung, I’m gonna turn the lights on, okay?”

The duvet and blanket lie messily on the bed, like Sunggyu got up and left without thinking. Typical Sunggyu, Woohyun thinks.

Woohyun decides he will wait for Sunggyu to come back; Sunggyu probably ran out to do errands like buy food and he will be back soon. In the meantime, Woohyun tidies up the room. He folds Sunggyu’s sheets and he picks up the clothes scattered on the floor.

He is going to get the vacuum cleaner when he sees it lying assumingly on the floor. He does not know how he could have missed it when it is screaming black against the stark white of Sunggyu’s floor. The door must have swept it back when he came in but Woohyun sees it now. He picks it up and he knows for sure it is a woman’s underwear, considering its lacy appearance and its smell—Woohyun had girlfriends, too; so, he knows.

Sunggyu was straight before Woohyun came into his life. Now, Woohyun is out of it.


	5. Sunggyu

  


* * *

The stylist puts on Sunggyu’s eyeliner. He keeps his eyes open wide enough for the stylist.

“This is so your eyes will be more pronounced,” the stylist says. Sunggyu already knows, but he just nods a bit. The stylist likes explaining every detail to him every single time.

“So you know,” she starts being conversational now.

“Yes, noona?”

“Woohyun bought his dad a car. I heard he got a really good deal.”

Sunggyu chuckles. “That sounds like our Woohyun alright.”

She laughs, too. “But I’m serious. I heard he bought two cars for a really good price. Do you know where he got that deal?”

Sunggyu hums. He does not know. “Why don’t you just ask him yourself? I’m sure he’d love to help. He might even get a commission out of it.”

“Hey!”

“I’m only kidding. But really, I’m sure he’d be happy to help you.”

“We’re not close, Sunggyu-ya.”

“We’re not close, Sunggyu-ya,” he mimics her whiny way of talking then, he laughs.

She huffs. “You’re so mean! You’re gonna get it from me.”

“Hey, hey!” He cautions. “You can’t make me wear what you want. We already set what to wear today. And you’re supposed to make me look absolutely cool tonight or else our fans will have something to say about that, and you know what happens next.”

The stylist frowns at him. Sunggyu sighs. Then, he confesses, “We don’t talk anymore.”

“You just talked a while ago! He even asked you if you wanted anything for lunch! If you don’t want to help then, don’t. Why lie to me? I thought we were better friends than that.”

“It’s not that…”

“Then, what is it? You know, we’ve known each other for a while now. Nothing passed through me.”

“I know, noona.”

The stylist simply proceeds with Sunggyu’s eye makeup.

Then, he continues. “Woohyun is mad at me. I don’t really know why, but we talk as if we’re okay. The public thinks we have a really good relationship.”

“I see,” the stylist says; the sadness is very evident in her voice.

“But later, I’ll mention that you asked, and if he doesn’t want to help, I’ll figure out how he got it.”

She shakes her head as she sets the brushes aside. “You don’t have to push it for my sake. If it just makes things worse, I’d rather you don’t.”

“Noona, you’re my good friend, right?”

“Of course!”

“Then, I’d be happy to help.”

“Sunggyu…” she says, almost pleadingly.

“I insist, noona.”

There is a strange excitement brewing outside the dressing room, and the stylist peeks out to find out what people are screaming at.

“They’re here,” she tells Sunggyu.

Sunggyu looks up at her with a blank expression.

She clarifies, “Woohyun is here.”

“Oh,” Sunggyu lets out; he kind of sighs, really. Then, he says, “I bet his new hair color surprised everyone so much that they can’t get enough of it.”

“I for one,” she says as she turns to him with her hand on her chest. “Still can’t believe he went blond again.”

“You know him,” Sunggyu says nonchalantly, back to being conversational with the stylist. “He likes to think of himself as a trendsetter: a fashionista. Besides, he’s good looking. He’s got that going for him.”

“You almost sound bitter. If I didn’t know you any better, I’d think you were…”

“What? You don’t think he’s handsome? Say goodbye to your car deal, then.” Sunggyu waves his hand dismissively, but there is a wide smile on his lips.

The stylist pinches the side of Sunggyu’s stomach. Sunggyu laughs and yells for her to quit it.

“What’s all this fun?” Sungyeol asks.

The two both turn to look, and all of the other members enter the dressing room as well.

“Nothing,” Sunggyu says in reflex.

“Sunggyu was being mean to me,” the stylist reports to Sungyeol in her whiny voice.

“Nothing unusual, then,” Howon jokes. “He’s mean to everyone he likes.”

Dongwoo chides although he says with humor in his tone, “Hey, don’t put noona on the spot like that.”

“What? It’s not like Sunggyu hyung is going to date noona. Right, Woohyun?”

As soon as Howon says the words, he realizes his mistake. His eyes go wide, looking at Dongwoo as if asking to save him.

The maknaes—Sungyeol, Myungsoo, and Sungjong—cough uncomfortably.

“We’ll just go check on the stage for our performance,” Myungsoo suddenly says.

“Right, hyung! Let’s go,” Sungjong excitedly supplies. He is so bad at acting, but he has to swallow the act all the way through. He adds, “Go go go!” as he pulls Sungyeol with them.

Howon starts complaining about his foot to prompt Dongwoo, and Dongwoo looks straight at Howon. He is also really bad at acting, but he still tries. “Do you need to replace your bandages? Let’s go ask hyung what can be done about this.”

Howon is asking a question, but his voice dies down along with Dongwoo’s harsh whispering as they move further away from Sunggyu’s dressing room.

Woohyun moves to leave, too, but Sunggyu calls out to him, “Ah, Woohyun.”

Woohyun turns to look at him through the mirror; the sight of the noona looking down, avoiding his eyes, is not lost on him.

“Noona just wanted to ask about the car deal you got. I told her you can help.”

“Oh, yeah. Sure. Of course, noona,” Woohyun says; each word falls slowly from his mouth.

“Do you have the number?”

Woohyun is going to answer, but he sees Sunggyu looking at the stylist. Sunggyu means Woohyun’s number—if the stylist has Woohyun’s number.

“I’m sorry to trouble you, Woohyun-ssi,” she tells him. “So, is it okay to call you when you have time?”

Goofily, Woohyun smiles. “It’s almost like you’re asking for a date, noona. Come on, we’ve known each other for so long. You can call me all you want.”

“Thank you so much, Woohyun-ssi,” she says gratefully, even bowing her head.

“You see,” Sunggyu says—he probably means for it to be a whisper, but Woohyun can still hear him. “I told you Woohyun would be happy to help.”

“Okay, then.” Woohyun announces. “I’ll just be going. I don’t want to get in your way.”

Sunggyu thinks it is a strange thing to say so he voices it out. “Where are you going? Aren’t you going to get ready?”

“Yeah,” Woohyun answers.

Sunggyu stands up from the chair facing the mirror, and he sits down on the couch. Woohyun just stands by the doorway.

“Well?” Sunggyu asks expectantly.

The stylist seems to think the same as Sunggyu so she prompts Woohyun, too. “Woohyun-ssi?” When the far away look does not leave his eyes, she puts in gently, “Woohyun-ssi, I’m going to do your makeup next.”

It takes a while before Woohyun gives his reply. “I’ll just wash my face, first,” Woohyun answers.

Sunggyu shrugs it off although he is still worried. Unfortunately, he is not allowed to worry about Woohyun; at least, he is not allowed in the way that he wants to worry about Woohyun. He has a lot more to worry about tonight. Besides, a lot of his members are hurt and injured in more ways than one. Sunggyu worries about all of them.

They are still worried about Howon not being able to dance; the fans understand—judging from yesterday—though Sunggyu reads netizen’s comments that said that they should have pushed it back until Howon recovered. Howon especially is disappointed in himself, but they all try to not make it a good deal. They are professional after all.

The thought of Dongwoo’s father suddenly comes into Sunggyu’s mind. If Dongwoo is able to be professional at this level, there is really no reason for Sunggyu to succumb to any weakness tonight. He needs to pull himself together.

The fear is still there that somehow something bad will happen, and he just does not want anything to screw this up. Despite that, Sunggyu has a really good feeling about tonight.

More people come into the dressing room: the other stylists come in with the clothes; the managers also come in with the food from the fans; and the rest of the members come back to get their makeup done.

Howon is with Sungjong—going through the choreographies and the songs. Dongwoo is kind of stretching although Dongwoo likes to flail around normally. All the rest are vocalizing while a cameraman goes around—documenting them for a broadcast or for something else the agency can use in the future.

“Is everyone ready?” Jungyeop asks when he enters the dressing room.

They all stop what they are doing and gather around together.

“It’s another sold out night,” he begins to tell them. “I know you kids are nervous, and I told you before to be hungry and ambitious. Tonight, show them what you’ve learned from the previous world tour.”

“Alright,” Sunggyu says with command.

Their hands go all in, and Sunggyu tells them the words. “Calm mind with fiery heart.”

Some of them count along with Sunggyu. “3 2 1!” Altogether they shout, “Fighting!”

A person from the technical team announces to everyone in the dressing room, “Two minutes before showtime. INFINITE to the stage.”

Sunggyu lets his members proceed before him to check that everyone took their microphones.

“I need someone I can signal just in case,” Sunggyu whispers to the person from the technical team. “It was smooth yesterday, but the mics weren’t loud enough. I just need to signal someone if it’s still not cranked up.”

“There’s going to be two people on either side of the stage like yesterday.”

Sunggyu nods and puts on the earpieces. He takes his place in the formation. He can hear the screams. His heart beats loudly. The music starts. This is it; it is showtime.

It starts with BTD then, Paradise. The songs go on and on. The feeling is electric—standing on stage with so many people singing along and screaming.

“They’re singing it,” Sungjong says as he wipes off his sweat. Some of the members give each other the look, and they suppress a chuckle because they are too polite to really say it out loud.

It has been a sort of tradition for Inspirits to sing INFINITE’s debut song as a demand for an encore. The agency has anticipated this so they calculated and planned the extra two songs—not really extra—to compensate for the time INFINITE performs.

“Alright, kids. Are you all set for another performance?”

They all nod.

“Let’s give them what they want,” Sunggyu calls as he motions for them to get into their positions in the starting formation of 다시 돌아와.

By the end of the performance, the fans raise banners that reads:

> 언제나 영원히 인피니트 (Always, Forever, INFINITE)

“I really like these encore stages,” Sunggyu tells the fans. “When I take my in-ear out and listen to you chant, it feels as though we are going back in time to when we were just rookies. It also means the time to go home is almost near.”

The fans boo at his joke. Sunggyu chuckles. Inspirits are really adorable for not wanting the night to end.

“Isn’t this feeling a little strange?” Sunggyu muses. The fans express an audible appreciation for the passing moment.

“Ah, why?” Sunggyu is just musing, but the fans turn sentimental on him. “Truthfully, there was a lot of pressure this time around. We really wanted to impress you all. We wanted to show you how we’ve grown and what we’ve learned while we were away.”

He notices Sungjong hugging Dongwoo from his peripheral vision. Sungyeol turns to wipe Dongwoo’s tears.

“Ah, why are you crying?” Sunggyu lets out.

Suddenly, the fans start chanting “Stop crying.” Dongwoo is barely keeping it together. Dongwoo is shaking—trying to contain his sobs.

“I’m sorry. Please continue,” Dongwoo says respectfully.

“No, no,” Sunggyu says to refuse Dongwoo’s apologies for the interruption. He concludes what he was saying really fast so he can move on to comfort his friend.

Sungyeol follows up immediately with their worries, and how he is almost in tears. Sunggyu thinks it impolite to not listen so he does not make a move until Sungyeol finishes.

Dongwoo explains himself for suddenly crying. “When Sunggyu hyung was talking, all these emotions came flooding back into me.”

Sunggyu simply moves to hug him now. Dongwoo is going through a lot, and though Sunggyu hates that he cannot offer any real consolation for a friend who is always there for him, he hugs Dongwoo tightly. He regretfully pulls away after that split second so Dongwoo can continue with his own ment.

At the end of Dongwoo’s ment, Sunggyu reads that it is Woohyun’s turn. Sunggyu feels himself washed with relief. Woohyun may say really bright things and tease the fans so they can stop chanting “Stop crying.”

As soon as Woohyun says his first sentence, Sunggyu knows he is wrong.

Woohyun’s nose is clogged and then, Dongwoo is hugging Woohyun. Woohyun just starts crying. In Woohyun’s defense, he tries to keep it in, but he really is emotional.

“Truthfully, for me, today is really the happiest day. My members have been working really hard. My hard-working parents came together to see me tonight.”

Dongwoo is by Woohyun’s side—patting his back and giving him a handkerchief. The fans are chanting, “Stop crying.” Sunggyu knows it is just going to go downhill from here.

Woohyun continues after he wipes his tears, “From the start, I wanted to invite both of my parents to see me looking cool and handsome on stage. Today is that day.”

One of the people from the technical team motion for Sunggyu so Sunggyu comes running. He asks Sunggyu if they should crank up the microphones because the members are talking low. Sunggyu instructs them to normalize as they go, but Sungjong will most probably try to sound cheerful for his ment.

When Sunggyu comes back, Dongwoo is squatting and crying. Sunggyu crouches to give his friend a hug. It is a little awkward. Sunggyu is not a hugger after all, but he does what he can. He even gives Dongwoo a water bottle to drink.

“Anyone…” Woohyun pauses like he is unsure. “At whatever kind of household has their own circumstances. But I have never been embarrassed of mine. I respect my father. I respect my mother. And in my life, they are the greatest people. For them to watch today’s concert and see my performance, I am very happy and I am very happy to be together with them.”

Even if Sunggyu is just listening—not looking at Woohyun right now, he notices the pride in Woohyun’s words. He, too, is proud of Woohyun. He almost feels ashamed for feeling that because who is he to Woohyun?

Sunggyu is Woohyun’s former secret lover. They will deny their relationship in an instant if anyone asks. For some sick reason though, it hurts.

No, Sunggyu is at least a hyung—the leader of the band Woohyun is in. Sunggyu figures that is all, and he must start learning to be content.

Dongwoo stands up and gives Woohyun a bottle of water. As Woohyun drinks to calm himself, the sobs are so audible to them standing on the stage. The fans keep screaming and chanting various things: mostly, “stop crying” and I love you until the latter wins, and that is what they all chant.

The fans do not know it, but they are voicing out Sunggyu’s thoughts. “Stop crying, Woohyun. I love you,” he also wants to say but he cannot.

Woohyun resumes. “I’ve been through some emotional ups and downs lately. I hurt my arm and because of this and that. When I was with you, there were days when I couldn’t smile. Because you know how I am and I know too, I feel very sorry for those times.”

They all start chanting “It’s alright.”

He concludes with his thank yous for his parents, the fans, and the members.

Dongwoo is by his side as he turns his back away to cry. Sunggyu has half a mind to also comfort Woohyun, but will Woohyun sincerely allow him?

When everyone is done, Sunggyu signals the band to play 함께 (Together). Everyone walks around the extended stages to wave at fans and show them their thankfulness. Sunggyu tries to interact with as many fans as he can; all the while, he is watching Woohyun. Woohyun is a mess.

They leave the stage and change their clothes—packing up and getting ready to go home.

“I’m leaving first,” Woohyun informs him.

Woohyun’s cheeks are still stained with tears. Sunggyu wants to wipe them away, but Woohyun is already doing that. He is already carrying his bag, and his parents are already waiting outside. They probably have their own party. Sunggyu simply nods.

The band puts away their instruments. INFINITE can hear the fans are still singing.

“Should we come out?” Sungjong asks though he is already going.

Howon follows him. “Let’s just wave and thank them.”

The screaming becomes louder. Before they knew it, they all—almost all—trickle back on stage.

“The band already left though. Do you guys still want more?”

It is a little surreal, but they indulge the fans’ wishes to sing without music.

It is kind of funny, Sunggyu thinks. However, this is the best part of being a performer—when fans are really passionate about you.

Sunggyu almost forgets that Woohyun already left, but of course, the fans do not let him. They chant Woohyun’s name as if asking him to come out. Sunggyu apologizes on his behalf, “This was really unexpected. Since we didn’t expect anything like this, Woohyun went ahead. He has another appointment after this.”

“This double encore—this seems like the first time it has ever happened in Korea,” he goes on to stir the conclusion of the concert into a brighter mood.


	6. Woohyun

  


* * *

Sunggyu has never called Woohyun unless when he is doing a broadcast for TV, radio, or on the web. It just is the way of things. One does not call. A call is too presumptuous, and people only do that to prove their closeness with each other.

Tonight, Sunggyu is calling Woohyun. Woohyun does not pick up the first call intentionally. He stares at his phone wondering what to do. He is still upset at Sunggyu though he really does not have any right to be; their relationship is over now. Somehow, he still has to remind himself that.

On the third call, Woohyun swipes the screen to finally answer the call.

He waits for Sunggyu to say his spiel if he is on some show, but he hears nothing.

“Hello! Good evening, Sunggyu-ssi,” Woohyun greets in his most cheerful voice. “Why are you calling this late? I was cooking dinner.”

“Oh, were you?” Sunggyu answers in a low voice. “The lights aren’t on though.”

“What?” he cautiously asks. Sunggyu may be playing him, and he cannot give anything away in case he is on air. “What are you saying? Is this some kind of prank?”

“No. I’m outside your building.”

“This call isn’t on air, right?”

“No,” Sunggyu answers sounding confused. “What makes you think that?”

“Nothing. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you because I missed you.”

“Sunggyu-ssi…”

“Please.”

Woohyun says nothing. That one word stuns him

“Please, Woohyunnie… I just want to see you. Even if you don’t talk to me or acknowledge that I’m there, it’s alright. I just want to see you. I promise I won’t cause any trouble.”

There is an ache in Woohyun’s heart to hear Sunggyu begging, and he is not strong enough. He tells Sunggyu, “Alright. Come up.”

When Woohyun opens the door, he sees Sunggyu standing there wearing a black cap, his oversized shirt and his springtime cut jeans—inconspicuous as ever.

“You forgot to bring a fridge,” Woohyun says pertaining to the plastic bags Sunggyu is holding.

Sunggyu sheepishly smiles. “I thought you might haven’t had any dinner yet. I brought everything you like.”

Woohyun wants to say something stupid like, “You are everything I like” but he keeps it down by biting his cheek and nodding for Sunggyu to come in.

“Have you eaten?” He asks instead as he leads Sunggyu into the living room.

“Can I borrow some slippers?”

Woohyun wants to say something venomous like, “Why? Do you think I want you to stay long?” He knows he will regret it though so he opts to answer, “Sure. The top on the shoe rack are for guests.” Then, he adds, “I haven’t had anybody here so they’re new.”

He does not know why he said that. He does not know why he wanted Sunggyu to know that. However, it is not anything substantial so he does not think more about it.

Sunggyu rushes to clear Woohyun’s table like he knows where to put all the papers and books. Then, he sets the table

Woohyun watches him; he is unsure if he wants to be annoyed or be touched.

“Why did you come here?”

“I missed you,” Sunggyu answers. He does not even flinch nor does he look at Woohyun; he is too busy setting the table with all the food he brought.

“Your girlfriend will be looking for you. Shouldn’t you be spending time with her instead of coming here? The comeback is just around the corner; she’ll miss you.”

Sunggyu is staring at him now.

“I’m okay, hyung,” Woohyun says. “I can eat by myself. You should go.”

“Woohyun…”

“Go. I don’t want this to turn into another episode of a drama. You’ve moved on and so should I. I wanted this after all.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend. What are you saying?” Sunggyu says with an amused smile tugging at his lips.

“Stop lying and hiding things from me, hyung. I know, okay? You don’t even have to be sorry about it. Just stop treating me like I’m an idiot because I know. Okay? I know.”

“What do you know?” Sunggyu challenges.

“There was a woman’s underwear in your room.”

“And how would you know that? Have you been to my apartment?”

“No. It was before. In the apartment upstairs where you lived with Dongwoo and Howon.”

Comprehension seems to have washed over Sunggyu then, he says, “Listen. I can explain.”

“You don’t have to. I should’ve figured you’d want to be with someone else after I screwed up.” Woohyun’s voice starts shaking, but he wills himself to not give in. “I’m sorry, hyung. I’ll be over this soon. Just go.”

Woohyun hears his heart beating loudly. He knows what is going to happen next. He tries to convince himself that no, Sunggyu will surely go and leave him. Deep inside, he knows and he hopes that is not how things will unfold tonight.

Sunggyu is enveloping Woohyun in his arms. Woohyun is so annoyed. As he huffs placing his hands on Sunggyu’s arms to reject Sunggyu, Sunggyu says, “I swear I’m telling you the truth. She was all over me, but I didn’t do anything like _that_. I told her to stop and drove her home. That’s it. Nothing happened.”

Woohyun has half a mind to snort and tell Sunggyu that he does not care, but that would be a lie. He hates that his heart is soaring because it is not the end.

“I love you,” Sunggyu whispers in his ear.

Woohyun wants to move away, but the familiarity of the position stops him. The lingering feeling that longs for Sunggyu overrides his mind.

That is it, and Woohyun is undone. It is like magic.

Perhaps they are like magnets; their opposite intentions create a strange attractive mood. Perhaps Sunggyu has a more powerful force, and Woohyun cannot pull away from it even if he wanted to. Perhaps Woohyun is a ferrous material that is attracted to anything Sunggyu does. Or perhaps… Just perhaps at this moment, Woohyun simply stops lying to himself.

First, Sunggyu’s cap flies across the room. Then, Woohyun crashes his lips against Sunggyu’s.

They fall into the sweet cradle of each other’s familiarity. Woohyun realizes he also has missed Sunggyu: the taste of his mouth and the yearning tongue that dances with his.

Sunggyu draws back to kiss Woohyun’s neck. His hands are wandering under Woohyun’s shirt—all over Woohyun’s torso.

“Hyung,” Woohyun whimpers as he takes Sunggyu’s hand off him so he can undress himself.

Sunggyu does not wait for him. Instead, Sunggyu roughly pushes Woohyun against the wall. He whispers desperately into the younger man’s ear, “I missed you so much. You have no idea.”

Sunggyu’s hand slips into Woohyun’s briefs and palms the growing erection through the cloth of the briefs. Woohyun groans.

“You want to feel good, baby?”

Woohyun can only nod and muster a feeble “Hyung.”

“You’re wet,” Sunggyu points out the amount of precum leaking from Woohyun’s penis. Woohyun feels somewhat embarrassed and exposed that Sunggyu knows—even after all this time—that he can turn Woohyun on.

Sunggyu teases the tip with his thumb, and more precum leaks out. He spreads it, and his hand goes up and down relatively smoother.

Woohyun is a mess; the sight alone gives Sunggyu satisfaction.

“I love you, Woohyun.” He groans. “You’re so handsome like this.”

Woohyun bites his lip which makes Sunggyu concerned that the younger male is holding back.

He kneels and pulls down Woohyun’s shorts and briefs. Woohyun’s cock looks painfully erect; Sunggyu can already feel it twitching in his hand. He licks the underside as he applies slight pressure on the tip.

Woohyun begs with choked up voice, “Hyung, please.”

Sunggyu does not stop. He takes Woohyun’s cock in his mouth, and sucks it. He starts off slow, maddeningly slow.

Woohyun’s mind is hazy. He feels as though as he is about to lose his senses. “Hyung!” he yells. He grabs Sunggyu’s hair and pulls on the roots.

It does not hurt. Instead, it empowers Sunggyu. Sunggyu knows Woohyun’s boisterous image is far from how he is in bed. Woohyun is more of the quiet and subdued type. His moans are soft so Sunggyu takes it upon himself to be the tease. Woohyun’s sudden loud noises are very rewarding and indicative of what Sunggyu must pay attention to. He wonders if he should continue the teasing, but he remembers this is not the time; he has to come back to Woohyun’s good graces. He relaxes his throat and quickens his pace trying to take in more of Woohyun’s cock deeper.

He sees the tell tale signs of Woohyun’s upcoming release so he hastens the use of both his mouth and hand for stimulation.

With a soft grunt, Woohyun orgasms. He feels really good but horny as well. “Hyung,” he whines.

“Was that good, baby?”

Woohyun pulls Sunggyu up by his shirt, and kisses him fiercely. He can taste himself in Sunggyu’s mouth. He can hear Sunggyu breathing deeply against his face.

“Do you want to continue somewhere else?”

Woohyun nods with half lidded eyes.

“I… I didn’t bring any condoms. I…” Sunggyu mentions.

“I don’t… too…”

Sunggyu stops in their steps to the bedroom, and says more soberly, “How about you just eat? I’m good so…”

“Hyung, why are you ruining the mood?”

“Woohyun, you’re not engaging in any unprotected sex,” Sunggyu declares.

“What the fuck?” Woohyun frowns. He retracts, however, by clinging to Sunggyu and sliding his hands under the older man’s shirt. “I’m clean. You’re clean. Just live a little. Okay?”

Woohyun convinces Sunggyu with short kisses on the neck and his right hand returning Sunggyu’s favor. Woohyun does not think the situation is a little odd; he does not care for anything at the moment except to feel Sunggyu on his skin and become sticky together.

They lay splayed over the floor of Woohyun’s bedroom after getting the lube hidden in one of the drawers. They have some more fun all over the room—on Woohyun’s chair, on his work table, against the wall—before ending up with their limbs tangled on Woohyun’s bed.

In the morning while Woohyun heats up the food Sunggyu brought, they end up fucking on the countertop of the kitchen.

“When you come over again tonight, remember to bring condoms,” Woohyun teases.

Just like that, they are back to their usual ways. They steal glances at each other and smile despite knowing they should not. They can pass off as really close friends, can they not? That has been the nature of their relationship for years. They know one day this will change somehow, but for now, they make do.

“We need to go film the choreography again before we head off to the showcase,” Sunggyu informs him.

“Oh, really? Why?” Woohyun inquires though he is not really interested to know.

Sunggyu shrugs. “I thought we did fine last week, but maybe there’s a miss somewhere. We need to make a solid one for a performance version.”

“Okay.”

“They’ll take promotional photos, too.”

“The usual?”

“Yes. Like last concert. And a few interviews, too.”

“Okay.”

“You seem uninterested, baby.”

Woohyun just pouts. He juts his lower lip further.

Sunggyu peppers kisses on Woohyun’s lips and all over his face. Then, he says in baby-talk, “What does my Woohyunnie want?”

“Ah, hyung. Don’t do that!”

They both laugh.

“I missed you,” Sunggyu confesses.

“I know,” Woohyun says smugly.

“Listen, Woohyun. I’m sorry for whatever I said back then.”

“It really wasn’t your fault, hyung. I’m just… a little… there’s a lot on my plate right now,” Woohyun tries to explain.

He wants to confess more. He wants to say, “I have a lot of problems” but those problems are somewhat too personal, and he also has his own pride to protect, not to mention his family’s pride. Though he knows that he needs to let some of the problems building up inside him out, pride can do wondrous scary things to one’s head: one thinks there is too much to lose when you ask for your help—as if asking for help invalidates any accomplishment or progress. It makes things at stake appear more epic than how they really are in reality. Though he thinks Sunggyu probably already knows, he holds back.

Woohyun also wants to confront Sunggyu. He wants to say, “I’m still kind of upset you prioritize the other members over me” but he knows it is not Sunggyu’s fault. Sunggyu has to look out for everyone in the group. It is also not like Sunggyu thinks badly of Woohyun. In fact, Sunggyu thinks highly of Woohyun—maybe even too highly.

Woohyun knows he should talk to the boss if he wants to do something but he is kind of scared to ask for it especially just by himself.

“Hey,” Sunggyu says. “I’m here. I’ll listen.”

Woohyun shakes off the thoughts clouding his mind, and says, “Yeah, I know.” He does not say, “But I doubt you’ll understand.”

Woohyun knows Sunggyu will never know how it feels like to unintentionally live under someone else’s shadow, or to be ahead of a race only to be overtaken. It is annoying. He does not want to be pitted against Sunggyu. That is the last thing Woohyun wants, but everyone—fans, critics, everyone—tends to do that.

Sunggyu knows how to be a son though. Maybe Woohyun can talk to him about that. However, that is so dragging not to mention that both their parents do not know about their relationship. If Woohyun is honest with himself, he just does not want to think about his problems. He is not sure if it is his unhealthy pride talking, but he does not want to talk.

Woohyun also does not want to whine about his injuries. He is not a baby, and he does not want Sunggyu to think of him as such. Whining looks cute for the fans, not for their personal relationship.

Sunggyu kisses him on the lips, and reminds him, “We need to go now.”

Woohyun takes both their bags, and Sunggyu follows him out.

The whole day is packed. Woohyun is happy, or so he forces himself to believe.

In one of the interviews, Sungjong asks Sunggyu what part of his body would seem surprising to people. Sunggyu has a worried face with his hands on his chest protectively. Sunggyu is too cute. “You’re pretty hairy,” Woohyun contributes.

Sunggyu agrees, but then he says, “I don’t have chest hair though.”

Woohyun wants to laugh at everything and tease everyone. He wants to have a good time.

The lights turn on, and the showcase starts. The music begins, and they sing. Woohyun feels overwhelmed. He is actually back. The problems have not ended yet, but after a long busy and problem-filled time, the fans are here and are screaming for them. He feels the song flow through him, and he feels tears pooling in his eyes.

The showcase is great. However, if Woohyun does not hear another question about him releasing his own solo album because Sunggyu already released two, it will just be too soon.

Woohyun has many problems. He is only human. It is easier to be angry and say the problem is Sunggyu even though he is not. Humans are like that. They get angry and frustrated at the easiest or most convenient person or thing because dealing with all the problems laid out in front of him will overwhelm him and eat him alive.

Woohyun turns on Sunggyu and unfortunately, on Inspirits. He forces himself to smile, but the whole world knows there is something cold, something broken, some problem that he must be facing.

One night after the promotions end, Sunggyu calls Woohyun again. Woohyun feels sick.

Woohyun wants to hear from the producers he talked to last spring. He wants to talk about what concept he must have when he debuts. As time painfully passes like grains of sand in an hour glass, Woohyun is losing hope. It might be another month or another year before his compositions see the light of day.

A lot of idols are doing solo albums lately, are they not? Maybe that is why, he convinces himself. Maybe too many idols are releasing their solo so no one is willing to touch him. Maybe they are planning on something strategic. Maybe, maybe. The problem with hope is that it lifts one up, but only slightly. When one is above absolute bottom because of that little lift, the fall—the impact of the fall—may even be worse.

“Hey,” Woohyun says answering Sunggyu’s call.

“Hey.”

Woohyun stays quiet. Woohyun stays cold.

“I miss you.”

Woohyun hums to say he understands.

“Won’t you tell me what’s up?”

“I don’t know. The sky. It’s always up.”

“Woohyun.”

“Yes, Sunggyu hyung?”

“You’ve been distant again.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Is there something you want to tell me?”

“The sky,” Woohyun begins to say without knowing what he really wants to say. “The sky even though it’s always up, it can get gray and even really dark. It feels gloomy that way, doesn’t it?”

“I guess.”

“I just have a lot of things I’m thinking about.”

“Do you want me to come over?”

Woohyun takes a while before he answers. “No. No, I don’t think that would be a good idea. I’m like a black hole right now. I’m sucking all the happiness out of everyone.”

“You… make me happy though.”

“I can’t even make myself happy.”

“Maybe I can help.”

“I’m not talking about sex. You idiot.”

Sunggyu fumbles; Woohyun can hear. “Hey,” he says after recovering. “I wasn’t implying anything.”

“Sorry, hyung.”

Sunggyu does not answer so Woohyun proceeds to say. “I’m really sorry about this, hyung. But I need some time alone. To think. I just… I can’t think when you’re always hovering over me. Can we take a break from ‘us’?”


	7. Sunggyu

  


* * *

Making instant coffee takes thirty seconds, but Sunggyu does not want to make his own coffee. Instead, he waits for about thirty minutes for it be done for him including waiting for other people’s coffee to be done for them. His mind is going places; he just cannot be bothered with how much sugar or cream to put or even with checking how it tastes.

The crisp cold air hits his ear when he steps out of the coffee shop, and the shiver travels all throughout his body. It foretells him that his whole day is going to be shit.

Sunggyu’s phone rings as he leaves the elevator. He does not answer the call because the number is not registered on his phone—a precaution against sasaengs, scammers and agents selling him things but mostly sasaengs. Then, Woohyun calls him.

“Woohyun-ah,” he greets. He does not expect much, but he is surprised when a woman answers him.

“Sunggyu-kun? Is this Sunggyu-kun?”

He answers formally this time around. “Ah, yes. Is this Woohyun’s mother?”

“Yes,” she says. “I’m very sorry to call you before with my own phone and at this early.”

“No, not at all, omonim. Why did you call? Are you looking for Woohyun?”

“No, Woohyun is here with me.”

“Is that so, omonim? Then, why…”

“My Woohyunnie is sick, you see. He has a high fever, and I think he caught a stomach flu. He needs to rest. I’m watching over him...”

“Is he okay? Did he eat something bad?”

Instead of answering his question, she asks, “Do you have any schedules for the following week?”

Sunggyu sighs. He does not have to tell her that he needs to call her back to check because he has just seen the schedule before she called. “I’m afraid so. But they’re all domestic schedules.”

“Oh,” she lets out.

It sounds more of a question than a sound of understanding so Sunggyu explains, “We will perform a couple of songs in some festivals here in Korea so it’s okay. I’ll make a way to fill Woohyun’s spot. How long of a time…”

She sounds pained when she says, “I would want a month, but knowing this child, he will say he’s okay in less than a week or so.”

Sunggyu wants to be gracious and say, “Take all the time you need.” He cannot, however; he has no real power over the matter. Instead, he says, “Even if I’m sorry, omonim, we do need Woohyun. We have to go to China in less than two weeks.”

She takes a while to answer, and when she does, she says, “I’ll help him recover soon. Please inform the management of his condition. He can’t move an inch at the moment.”

“Yes, yes,” Sunggyu readily agrees. “Don’t worry, omonim. Please let Woohyun know everyone wants him to recover right away. Thank you for letting me know.”

“Of course. You are his leader. Thank you for handling things on your end, Sunggyu-kun.”

“Not at all.”

“Then…”

“Yes, yes,” Sunggyu urges. “Goodbye, omonim. Take care…” he adds. He means, “Take care of Woohyun for me. I wish you all well.” It sounds too imposing to say to Woohyun’s own mother so he keeps it down.

She bids him a goodbye. “You, too. The other kids as well. Take care,” she says. Then, she hangs up.

Like last time, Sunggyu finds out elsewhere that Woohyun is sick. At least this time though, the news is from Woohyun’s mother.

Sunggyu feels strange. His heart is beating fast. He looks out the window and sees the sky grow darker. It _is_ turning out to be a shit day. As he looks at the clouds floating to a common point as if conspiring to become one heavy lump of misery, thoughts roll and tumble through his mind. He thinks of fernweh—the feeling of missing a place he has never been to; he wonders if it is the right word to describe it. No, he thinks he would not mind being anywhere at all. No, he wants to go back in time—time when he was happy and when problems were simple. Then, he decides it is not it; if he were to go back in time, he will create a paradox because the problems only appear simple to him now that he overcame them. No, he just misses a person; he misses Woohyun. The answer is so simple, but he goes through so much length in different routes to make sure. If there is a different answer, Sunggyu would have welcomed it with open arms. Because he knows it so well, he suppresses the sentimental crap bubbling in the pit of his stomach; he has to be strong today.

“Woohyun needs some time to rest. He has enteritis,” Sunggyu informs the rest of the members.

They are in the practice room of their agency’s building—rehearsing, what they do on most days. They rehearse every other day or two days straight before they need to perform unlike when they were rookies. It is a blessing because: they have work and Sunggyu can distract himself. He wants to be a like robot—less thinking, less feeling, more doing.

“Howon, you can sit this rehearsal out.”

Howon frowns.

“You have to do some sort of collaboration stage with Myungsoo and girls from A-Pink for one of the events, right? Go practice that.”

“They are the ones choosing the song, and they haven’t given us our parts yet,” Myungsoo pipes up.

“But it’s in what? Two days?”

Myungsoo shrugs.

Then after a moment’s pause, Howon asks Sunggyu, “Is Eunhee noona around? Maybe I can do vocal practice.”

“I don’t know. You have to ask her.”

“Okay, then,” Howon replies. “That’s settled. If I don’t find her or if she doesn’t agree, I’ll just look at your forms and call you out if you guys make any mistakes.”

Sunggyu sighs. Howon is always the perfectionist.

“Sure,” he agrees. “Just say the word if your ankle swells up. We only have Seonho hyung to ourselves. The girls need the managers right now, but I’m sure he won’t mind helping you with your foot.”

Sunggyu smiles at Seonho, who just stepped into the room. Seonho dumbly nods at whatever Sunggyu said as he eats his burger. Seonho humors Sunggyu most of the time because the kid takes most of the responsibilities anyway; it affords him to grab a burger once in a while in between busy schedules. In the meantime, he takes out his smartphone and types out INFINITE’s itinerary for the following two weeks.

“One more thing,” Sunggyu recalls after Howon left. “Someone needs to take over Woohyun’s parts while he’s resting.”

The boys look around them as if assessing the concern. An uncomfortable silence falls upon them until Sunggyu cannot take it anymore.

“I certainly can’t do it,” Sunggyu challenges. “So one of you has to take over.”

Still, no one answers him so he looks at the nearest to him: Myungsoo.

“I want to but I still can’t sustain that long like Woohyun hyung,” Myungsoo explains.

“I’m not that confident,” Sungyeol confesses. “I’m still shaky.”

“Woohyun hyung’s voice is very low and manly so I don’t think I can replace that. I sang his part in Be Mine for that show in KBS, but for an actual audience who are anticipating an INFINITE performance, I don’t think I can.”

Sunggyu’s heart breaks a little with all the others’ admittance.

“You’re not supposed to replicate his voice. It’s just another part in a song. Anyone of you can do it,” Sunggyu says. “Can you hear yourselves? It’s like you’re not INFINITE. Do you remember why you’re here in the first place? Your potentials are infinite, and now we’ve met success and continuing to progress, won’t you believe in yourselves like how I and the company believes in you?”

The good humored Sunggyu hyung is nowhere to be found. They now face the disciplinarian leader who is tipping into a sour disappointed mood.

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

Everyone turns to look at Dongwoo. His eyes are a little watery as he says, “I know I’m still lacking, but I accept the challenge, hyung. Maybe if I face this, I can improve in areas I didn’t get to explore before.”

“What if Howon hyung wanted to do it?”

“Do what?” Howon asks as he enters the room.

“Do you want to take over Woohyun’s parts while he’s away?” Sunggyu asks him.

Howon laughs nervously. “And take a risk with those high notes? I think I’ll pass for now,” he says. “I’m going to improve, but I don’t think I’m at that mark yet.”

“Then, it’s Dongwoo.”

Everyone nods. “It suits you, hyung,” Sungjong tells Dongwoo. “You harmonize with Woohyun hyung a lot so you know the parts well.”

“Eunhee noona said that she has sessions with some trainees until 4 so I’m stuck here with you guys,” Howon, then, informs.

Sunggyu hears one of them groan. He misses to see who because he has his back turned as he stretches. He thinks though, at least Howon has some distraction from thinking that his injury is in the way of their performances.

Sunggyu says in his most commanding voice, “If there’s any problem, voice it out. I won’t have any of you groaning or whining when we’re in here.”

Sungyeol chuckles at whoever groaned—Sungjong, probably—and asks, “Are you an amateur?”

The first time INFINITE performs without Woohyun, everything feels mockingly normal to Sunggyu. There is emptiness inside of him and an emptiness in the spot next to him, but everything that surrounds him is blissfully unaware.

The music plays and though he has prepared himself for this, his heart sinks a little when Dongwoo sings Woohyun’s part.

There is nothing wrong with Dongwoo’s singing. Sunggyu cannot lie that Dongwoo cannot imitate Woohyun’s singing. The thing is, Dongwoo is not supposed to; Dongwoo can sing it the way he wants to, and as long as he hits the notes, there is no problem.

Sunggyu is the problem; he misses Woohyun.

No one asks him, but he addresses the big elephant in the room. After the introductions in between their performances, Sunggyu tells the audience, “As you see we are only six standing in front of you today. Woohyun has enteritis, but he is doing well. After he recovers, you will see him again soon. For our fans who wanted to know, I needed to update you on this so please don’t worry too much.”

To Sunggyu, it is a reminder. He recalls what he said and tries to convince himself that _he_ will see Woohyun again soon.

It is in the airport where Sunggyu sees Woohyun after almost two weeks—it felt like an eternity. They do not even acknowledge each other. In Sunggyu’s defense, he just does not know what to say. It is also not the appropriate place to pour his heart out. At least, Woohyun is there. His presence in itself makes Sunggyu feel blessed.

Sunggyu realizes as he looks at the mirror of his hotel room that somehow he has changed. The hungry nineteen year old who was full of ambition and determination has mellowed into a soft and unsure man. It is funny that as one grows older, the less sure he becomes about everything. He tries not to think as he takes the hot coffee from the tray. Meditation is about letting the thoughts pass through and not riding them; he hears it is good to practice meditation to relieve stress. As he takes a sip while trying to be thoughtless, the tower of peace and tranquility in his mind collapses. His mind is abducted by a single thought: the coffee tastes like shit. Hotel coffee is always terrible; how did Sunggyu forget?

After their performance, Sunggyu sees Woohyun crying. He guesses so because Woohyun is leaning on Myungsoo’s chest, and Myungsoo is rubbing the older man’s back.

As if sensing a foreign presence, Myungsoo slowly looks up and finds Sunggyu standing there. Sunggyu suddenly realizes that he is there and that he can be seen when Myungsoo’s eyes grow wide. He feels suddenly embarrassed as if he were caught peeping. Then, he remembers that Woohyun is crying so he takes a tentative step forward. Myungsoo shakes his head slightly with his eyes still wide.

He gets it somehow. Woohyun does not want Sunggyu to see him that way.

He gets it, and though it must hurt, he tries not to think about his own pain. His own pain is born out of selfishness; what hideous monster must he be deep inside himself to be outraged at this when there is someone else who is truly in pain?

Woohyun must be in so much pain. Sunggyu figures so. Woohyun cries a lot, but Woohyun tries his hardest not to. It is something one learns with time: knowing when a person is collapsing from the sheer weight of problems.

Love is the bitter taste of cold coffee nestled in Sunggyu’s hands. He looks out in the vast darkness of the sky. There are stars out tonight, but Sunggyu does not think of them as pretty or magical in any way. There they are, and Sunggyu sees them. Some stars twinkle, and for one second he sees one fall. In the next few seconds, he toys around the idea of making a wish, but for the life of him, he cannot think of one thing to wish for. He just thinks to himself that stars fall after they have shone their brightest. That is the cruel way of the cosmos: stars are born; they have light and heat; after some time, they give out all they have in a blaze of glory; and then, they die.

What was it that he told Dongwoo once upon a time? It sounds something like, lovers need to be together to grow together; otherwise, they will inevitably become strangers. He was wrong. He thinks life could be so simple, but life resists to be simple. Woohyun could live without Sunggyu, but Sunggyu will always be haunted by this longing to be with Woohyun.

Sunggyu sighs and spills out the terrible coffee out into the garden. It is a waste, but he is not supposed to poison himself with terrible coffee.

On the flight back to Korea, Woohyun greets him in passing. “Thanks for covering for me,” Woohyun adds in a whisper. Then, he walks away to take his seat; and soon, he is too far for Sunggyu to reach.

Sunggyu joins Sungyeol and Myungsoo’s car on their way heading home. Myungsoo says nothing to him, and Sunggyu does not ask him anything. He only chats with Sungyeol about a new song he heard.

They drop him off at his apartment, and the silence deafens him when he goes in. He turns on the TV to watch a random movie. He is halfway through it when he realizes he does not understand anything that happened.

His hand reaches out for his phone on its own. He sends a message to Woohyun, “Do you want to watch a movie and eat dinner?”

The movie ends without any reply from Woohyun. Sunggyu suddenly snaps out of it and sees what he has done.

He starts calling Woohyun. He gets rejected. He calls again and decides to just leave a message.

“Woohyun, it’s me. It’s Sunggyu,” he begins. His mouth is talking, but he curses at himself. “I’m sorry for the message. I forgot. But I… I…” he hesitates.

After a while, he remembers Woohyun does not listen to voicemail so he goes on for his own satisfaction. “Woohyun, I just want to help. I’m at least your friend, right? You keep shutting me out so I don’t know what…” He sighs and stops.

“But maybe it’s something you want to face alone so you can become stronger. I don’t exactly know what’s going on although I know some things. I’m sorry I can’t do anything to ease away your pain. I just… I just wanted to tell you that I have many regrets. I regret that I can’t tell everyone about us and how happy you make me. I know it’s not important, but I just regret that we don’t have that kind of freedom to tell everyone and to be open as we want to be. I regret not doing all the romantic things you wanted in all the places we went. I could have been kinder and more understanding. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused. If only… We could have had many memories but,” he cuts himself off.

He continues almost in tears and heaviness in each word he utters. “Regardless of our what-ifs, I hope you were happy even for one second. I hope when you think of me—of us together, you’ll think of that one happy second. When you feel lonely, you can think of that one happy moment and you can remember that I’m always on your side. If the whole world turns against you, I’ll always believe you. I know you. I know how good your heart is. No one else deserves happiness more than you. Maybe it’s selfish, but I hope thinking of that one happy moment with me can add a bit of strength to you so you can face more of the problems life throws at you. I’m sorry that I’m still lacking and can’t provide everything you deserve. Though it hurts me, I know you are in much more pain than I am and you asked me to so… I’m letting you go. All I want is your happiness. I hope you become happy even if it is without me.”

Just as he ends it, he receives a message from Myungsoo. It reads:

> Hyung, I don’t know if telling you will be the right thing… but I think it’s something you should know. Please meet me.


End file.
